I watch him sleep by the light of the iv pump and the twinkling of the tiny Christmas tree by the window. It’s a day where I’m feeling anxious.
I watch his chest rise and fall with every breath, thankful that he’s feeling well and no longer on oxygen.
Even though it’s been a few weeks, I sometimes find myself wondering if he’s breathing well and if he’s okay. Having a kid at high risk for serious infection will make you take a double take at the smallest things.
After a brief moment of worry, I take a breath and I am relieved that he is resting and I can have a moment to myself, to quiet my thoughts and worries.
But they still linger. In the back of my mind, I wonder how long it will be before we get to snuggle up on our couch and read books together by the light of our Christmas tree at home.
How long will it be before I can have both of my boys together, fighting over the same toy or running at full speed to see who can knock me over first.
My mind wanders to thoughts about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Will we get to enjoy a meal together as a family or read the Jesus storybook Bible together before bed on the days leading up to Christmas, or open presents on Christmas morning at home?
These are not things I want to worry about. I try to ease my anxiety by taking a moment of quiet and praying silently to God for strength and comfort. It helps. I can relax.
I think of ways I can help him pass the day when he wakes up- help him to forget the hard moments of being stuck in the hospital, like coloring or painting or listening to music.
I distract myself by folding and organizing the 4 outfits I’ve worn over and over for the last 3 weeks. I rearrange the snacks and toys strewn over the 2 shelves in our room.
It’s these ordinary moments of dealing with illness that make our days pass. Grateful for the breath of life, anxiety about the unknown, and the monotonous activities of everyday life like laundry, naptime, and eating meals and taking showers.
Yes, today looks very different than most days would at home.
BUT it also looks a little bit the same- taking care of daily chores, worrying if my boy is resting well while he sleeps, and just trying to soak in every moment as he grows up.
I won’t miss this journey, but I know I’ll miss these days.
I’m so thankful for TIME.
Time to slow down and enjoy a funny movie together. Time to have a meal together on top of the little hospital tray table.
I’m thankful for all of it. It’s imperfect. It’s different. It’s our life right now. It’s okay. We are okay. I miss my other boy at home, but he’s making memories with his grands and he is OKAY.
I’m thankful today for just okay.
Thank you Lord for this ordinary not so ordinary day.
“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
1 Corinthians 15:57
