Hot Mom Summer

This morning I was strapping my kids into their car seats so we could head to their preschool. Yes, our preschool has a summer session, and you better believe I send my kids. I was out there for maybe 2 minutes before the trickle of sweat started rolling down my back and I felt it bead up on my forehead. It was 7:50 am, and it was blazing hot. AT 7:50 IN THE MORNING. I decided then that I’m officially done with this summer. I know what you’re thinking. “But, Sarah, you’re from Florida and now you live in Alabama, aren’t you used to the heat?” You would think so, wouldn’t you? “Also, it’s only June?” YES, THAT’S THE POINT. 

I come from a family of sweaters. My brothers look like they’ve gone for a swim after a light jog – and they’re both in fantastic shape. My dad sweats when he eats (but that’s probably from hot sauce…). I’m sure if we looked close enough, the telltale sheen would be visible even in old black and white photos of long ago generations. Basically, I sweat like a marathon runner if I’m outside for more than 10 minutes in temps above 85 degrees. There’s no point in even showering in the morning.

I used to love summer, because summer meant no school and more playing and sunlight. This feels hotter than when I was a kid. Is that possible? We used to play outside all the time, and I don’t remember summers being this dreadful. As an adult, summer just means that I have to do everything I would do any other time of the year all while being stickier and more miserable. This heat is plain rude. I have 99 problems, and this weather is numbers 53-87. This is the kind of heat that makes me irrationally angry. 

I’m supposed to put sunscreen on my kids every morning before preschool. I’ve never tried putting sunscreen on a squirrel, but I imagine it’s similar. I look like a kid chasing pigs at a rodeo, except I’m supposed to also put enough sunscreen on the pigs so that they don’t get sunburned and make me look like a bad mother. 

I’ve been to Texas in the summer. It’s hot and the bugs will make you lose your mind, but I’d say it’s worse here because of the humidity. Did you know some people intentionally go sit in a hot steam filled room?? For FUN?! All they have to do is walk outside in the Southeast in August. I can’t. We love Alabama, but the one thing that would make me want to move is this heat.

So here is what I propose: We boycott summer. If bears can hibernate in the winter, sweaty moms can hibernate in the summer. I’m sorry friends in my regular playgroup, you won’t be seeing us for the next several months. I’m sorry sweet children, but we won’t be going to the playground in the afternoons. I’m sorry family, we won’t be joining you for any outdoor activities until the Fall. I’m planting my butt in the AC. See y’all around Halloween.