A Love Letter to the Mama of a Bad-Behaved Child

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One of the biggest “brain traps” that I see parents of toddlers and small children fall into is the over-emphasis on BAD behavior.

Tantrums. Whining. Rough playing. Fights with siblings. Taking toys without asking. Yelling “no”. Inappropriate mealtime behaviors. Oh, and did I say whining? 

We focus on bad behavior. We only see bad behavior. Our brain convinces us that there is too much bad behavior, and then we jump two miles ahead and think that we have a “bad” kid. 

If only we could get rid of this bad behavior then our lives would be perfect. 

(I guess our brains forgot to mention to us that our kids are still developing, still growing, and still learning…)

Let me tell you something today, mama. Your brain is lying to you. Flat out lying to your face. 

Your child is not a “bad” child. Your child doesn’t ONLY do bad behaviors; there are plenty of good, desirable behaviors that your child does… we just have to see them.

And hear me out, here. You’re not a bad parent. 

Let me say it again. You are NOT a bad parent. 

Your child’s “bad” behavior doesn’t make you a bad parent. 

You could throw all of the best parenting practices at your kid but one day your child is still going to have a tantrum while walking out of Target, literally trying to cross the street… with cars waiting (and watching). No matter what you tried. No matter how you responded. 

(True story. I know from personal experience.) 

So the moment your brain is screaming on the inside that you have a bad kid, that you suck as a parent, that you don’t know what you’re doing… Don’t listen to it. Simply don’t. It’s not doing you (or your child) any favors by listening to a brain that is lying to your face. 

Instead, I want you to view behavior as just behavior. 

Behavior is something that happens that will eventually stop. (Yes, you will eventually walk your child across the parking lot to your car after that Target meltdown.) 

I want you to view these behavior situations as just situations. They happen. They happen to you, they happen to me, they happen to all of us. They are situations. They come and they go. 

But most importantly, I want you to view behavior as more than just BAD. 

I like to put behavior into three categories: desirable, undesirable, and neutral behavior. 

Desirable behavior: also known as positive behavior, appropriate behavior, and wanted behavior. These are the behaviors that we like and want to see more of. Think of sharing, taking turns, using a fork appropriately, asking for a snack in a calm voice, walking on the sidewalk. 

These are the behaviors that we need to see more of. More specifically, these are the behaviors that WE need to take note of MORE. They are there. We just need to see them. 

Undesirable behavior: also known as negative behavior, inappropriate behavior, and unwanted behavior. These are the behaviors we want to see less of. Think of whining, crying, tantrums, hitting, biting, hair-pulling, throwing food on the floor. These behaviors can be downright hurtful or could be completely annoying. Either way, they are unwanted. 

These are the behaviors that our brains get us in a panic over. But there’s no need. You can handle, manage, and prevent them with the right tools. 

Neutral behaviors: also known as “neither positive nor negative behavior”, neither good nor bad, or “just okay” behaviors. These are the behaviors that, if your child does them in a specific moment, it really doesn’t matter, you don’t have a preference. For example, you don’t care if your child is playing with blocks while standing or sitting. That is a behavior, and it doesn’t matter how your child does it. 

These are the behaviors that we forget about all together. They are there, we just don’t even recognize them. 

So ask yourself: Are you only focused on the “bad” behavior? Why? Do you see the good, desirable behaviors? Why or why not? 

If you are tired of your brain only focusing on the “bad” behavior and completely ignoring the good behavior, try pointing out two or three desirable behaviors that your child does each day. It takes practice to begin seeing those desirable behaviors, but this is how you can begin rewiring your brain to not only focus on the “bad.” 

As you personally, begin taking note of those desirable behaviors that your child is doing, like coloring in the lines or following the rules of the new game they got for Christmas, take it a step further and verbally praise your child. That praise will take you a step farther.

For more parenting advice from the author, click here.