I once had a job in a very uncomfortable work environment. The kind of uncomfortable that can result in lawsuits and news reports. I should have made a hasty exit when I was told while filling out HR paperwork that my soon-to-be boss could be “inappropriate” but “means no harm” and that I “can’t sue because we don’t have enough employees to fall under EEOC laws.” But I was young and in a bit of a tight spot, so turning down a seemingly good job because of a vague warning felt irresponsible at the time. Besides, I had a friend who worked there. If she continued working there, how bad could it really be? Turns out, the answer was pretty bad. Bad enough that I began keeping a notebook in my purse to write down various incidents as they happened and hit record on my phone in my pocket whenever I was called into my boss’s office alone.
I worked there for the better part of a year before I was abruptly let go for “budgetary” reasons. I think my boss knew I’d grown tired of his nonsense and that keeping me around was a risk. I had stopped awkwardly chuckling at his gross jokes, I left the room when the talk at office-wide gatherings turned inappropriate, and I asked my female coworkers if his behavior bothered them. Despite the awful environment, and my friends and boyfriend (now husband) telling me I needed to get out of there, I stayed until I was let go. And I cried on the drive home. I wasn’t crying because I would miss the job. I wouldn’t. I was crying because I was afraid. I didn’t know what came next. Would I find another job before my savings ran out and I couldn’t pay rent? Would I have to move back to Florida? The future was uncertain and therefore, scary.
I have a low tolerance for uncertainty. Adventurous people find uncertainty thrilling. I find it terrifying. Uncertainty means that anything can happen, and if I don’t know what’s going to happen, I can’t control it or prepare for it. I’d much rather stay safe and follow the path of most predictability, if not the least resistance. Better to be boring and safe than exciting and risky. That’s my motto.
Sadly, fear of the unknown has caused me to miss out on or not enjoy a good many experiences. I had two opportunities to study abroad. I didn’t take either one of them. I had a full scholarship to college and could have gotten a degree in anything I wanted to, but the thought of my future being undetermined was intolerable to me. Rather than lean into the freedom my scholarship provided and take the time to explore different career options, I quickly locked into the degree path in which I felt most comfortable and put on blinders until graduation.
My husband got to experience this fear firsthand when we traveled to Hawaii for our honeymoon. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the beautiful scenery, good food, and fun excursions, I was a ball of nerves the entire time. We later thought that a cruise with our friends might be a better experience since everything was in one place and there were limited options, but alas, I was ready to jump ship by the first muster drill. (I also got sea sick. Turns out that little boats are fine, but big ones make me want to hurl.)
Pregnancy, childbirth, and mothering threw me into a world I couldn’t control. I couldn’t control how my body responded to pregnancy. I couldn’t control what happened during delivery. I couldn’t control whether my baby nursed or not. I couldn’t control my hormones or the chemicals in my brain. I couldn’t control how my body healed. I try to provide a healthy and safe environment, but I can’t control everything in my children’s lives. I can’t control their personalities or what issues they may encounter. I can’t control skinned knees and bumped noggins. I can’t control diaper blowouts and temper tantrums. So I had a choice: let fear consume me or realize that the best I can do is try to prepare for the things that can be prepared for, respond to events as they happen, and pray that God does the rest.
What these last few years of parenting have been teaching me is that the unknown doesn’t have to be scary for two reasons: I’m more capable than I give myself credit for and God IS in control. I’ve had a lot thrown at me and I’m still standing. My confidence and faith grow every time a storm comes and God sees me through it. A lot of things are out of my control, but I’m able to handle whatever comes because I’m not alone.
I will turn 30 this month, and I’ve been reflecting on the impact fear has had on my life path and choices. It’s depressing. Not the getting older part; that doesn’t bother me. But the fact that so many of my choices have been guided by fear of the unknown or intolerance of ambiguity. Experiences that could have expanded my perspective and shaped my personality were overlooked or explicitly turned down out of fear. Fear of change. Fear of uncertainty. I’m left wondering who I could have been and how my life might be different if I hadn’t been so afraid. I wouldn’t change where I ended up, but maybe how I got here.
As my family and I (and the whole world) are in this time of uncertainty, I’m trying to focus less on the scary things that could happen and more on the possibilities that the future might bring. One silver lining of last year’s state of limbo was more time to reflect. More time to evaluate my options. More time to figure out what is helpful and what can be cut out. More time to be instead of do. I’m not going to turn into an adventurer when life returns to normal – I don’t know that I could or would want to change my cautious nature – but I’m learning to rest in the unknown and embrace the inevitability of change as a source of hope rather than fear.
Still not going on another cruise though.
