This is a Public Service Announcement to all of the moms of littles, toddlers, preschoolers, elementary kiddos, etc.:
Not all behavior is BAD.
The behaviors that your child is doing, they aren’t all BAD.
It may seem that your child has a heck of a lot of bad behaviors.
It may feel like you’re constantly telling your child, “No, don’t do that.” ‘Quit that.” “Stop!”
You may think it appears that your child just dishes out one bad behavior after another.
I’m here to tell you – to remind you – that it’s not true.
Of all of the behaviors that your child does in a day, they aren’t all bad.
In fact, your child does a heck of a lot of behaviors that are neutral, just okay, typical, and maybe even considered good, like eating, getting dressed, going potty, playing, making eye contact, and answering a question.
More importantly, your child also does a lot of behaviors in a given day that are good, positive, desirable, appropriate – behaviors that you want to see happen again, like chewing food with her mouth closed, brushing her teeth without a fight, playing appropriately with toys, coloring on the paper (instead of on the table), and walking beside you through the parking lot.
It can be so easy to focus on all of the “BAD” behaviors – the behaviors that are annoying, that drive us mad; the unwanted, undesirable, or inappropriate behaviors; the behaviors that we would like to see less of, like whining, tantrums, clinging to your leg, fighting with a sibling, screaming at the top of her lungs, and refusing to clean up her toys.
We’re so focused on these “BAD” behaviors – how they make you feel, how you wish they could get better or go away completely, how inconvenient or embarrassing they might be – that we easily put too much of our inner personal attention on them.
And what does this do? It likely makes you focus on them more and more and more.
And then? You don’t see the good stuff. You don’t see your child share a toy with little sister, unprompted. You don’t hear your child ask appropriately for a book using the word “please.” You don’t notice your child following that morning routine – going potty, brushing teeth, and getting dressed – without crying, resistance, fighting, or tantrums.
You don’t notice the good because you’re so focused on the bad.
Let’s turn this around.
Starting today, begin to become aware of and notice those good, desirable, pleasant, appropriate behaviors your child is doing. Just notice them. Just see them. Be open to seeing them.
You don’t have to do anything else. You don’t have to say anything. Just notice.
Hey, my kid is playing nicely all by herself.
Well this is cool… My child is trying to figure out this new toy all on her own.
Hmmm, that was a really pleasant conversation I just had with my kiddo. She asked me questions and kept the conversation going.
Practice that awareness piece. Train yourself to begin seeing the good so that it becomes second nature.
And if you want to take it a step further, praise your child for that behavior using behavior-specific praise.
“I love how you are sharing your toys with Sister.”
“Wow, you asked for that book so nicely.”
“I love how you got ready so quickly! Now we can go have fun.”
Hint: This is going to increase the likelihood that your child will do this behavior again in the future. It’s time and effort well spent.
Learn to see that not all behaviors are bad and I bet parenting will have a different feel and vibe for you.
