“What We’ve Got Here Is Failure to Communicate”

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When The Middle One was about four, we became concerned that he had a hearing problem. He was eager to comply with our requests and instructions, but a significant portion of the time when one of us spoke to him, he continued on with what he was doing as if he hadn’t heard us at all. I finally took him to the university speech and hearing clinic to be evaluated. Their conclusion was that he had what they termed “Selective Hearing.” What we had was failure to communicate.

All families have issues with communication at some time or another. Kent’s mom introduced us to the organization Focus on the Family when our kids were small. They had great parenting resources and one of the most valuable takeaways I got was the importance of sitting down together as a family on a regular basis at mealtime. According to them, research shows the most well adjusted kids come from families who eat together several times a week. Taking their advice, I did my best to make it happen. No matter how hectic our schedules got, I tried to have dinner on the table and all of us together as many nights a week as possible.

It worked. By making family dinner a regular TV-free zone, failure to communicate was never a problem. Our discussions were lively. Honest input was welcomed and nothing was off limits except personal attacks and disparaging remarks. Sitting around the table we shared our day, talked about what the kids were learning in school, planned trips, and laughed a lot. Once, we were even eating at a downtown restaurant and a man came over to our table to tell us how much he had enjoyed watching our family talk to each other during the meal. He said he was amazed to see everyone, especially the kids, engaged and contributing. Hearing that warmed this mom’s heart.

I want our kids to always feel free to bring anything to the table for discussion. When something’s bothering a family member, when they have news to share, when they want input on a decision in their lives-big or small, I want them to feel comfortable and accepted in sharing and to go away feeling supported and loved even if we agree to disagree on the subject. I want our family discussions to be an honest no judgement zone, with no problems of failure to communicate because someone felt judged and shut down.

It’s an ongoing process. We have to all keep our head in the game and be on guard for any distances cropping up. With that in mind, I’ve been listening to a series of lectures on Effective Communication Skills by Professor Dalton Kehoe, Ph. D. One piece of advice he gives for families who are disconnected is to make every effort to engage in small talk on a regular basis. Apparently, sharing the little things in our lives is important in building strong bonds in families. Sounds familiar. Same advice as Dr. James Dobson from Focus on the Family years ago and I can say from experience it’s true. Professor Kehoe also talks about the irony of cell phones, those devices intended to better connect us, actually keeping us apart as we sit close together yet only connect with someone or something far away. Something to think about.

There are so many things that play into connecting with each other in conversation. Body language, tone of voice, choice of words, childhood experiences and training, passive or active listening, it can be overwhelming. I understand the childhood experiences thing. As an adult, I could always tell from the first instant I heard either of my parent’s voices on the phone whether they were upset with me, had bad news, or were just calling to say hello. Now, as a parent myself, I try to keep that in mind when I call my kids. I want every call to be a good experience and hopefully open the door for many more. I do not want failure to communicate to ever be a problem with our crew.

Communicating was complex enough when the kids were all together, but these days with The Oldest and The Youngest several states away, it’s even more so. I suggested a regular family Zoom as a way to at least check in with each other but it got mixed reviews. Time zones, work schedules, the Small Ones’ nap, bath, and bedtimes make it tough to come up with a workable time. We do have a family text thread called “Smith Squad.” When someone has a funny experience, a picture or joke to share, or just wants to let us all know about something, the thread can get crazy at times, but we try to respect each other’s work and sleep times so as not to abuse the privilege of having everyone’s attention.

When the kids were small I memorized Ephesians 4:29 with them “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” That still goes in our family. And, I’ll keep trying to come up with ways to keep us all connected because I never want to have a failure to communicate in the Smith Squad.

Oh, a friend suggested after our hearing test that The Middle One has focused attention. She said it’s a common trait in pilots and can be a good thing. Good to know. Got any communication issues in your crew? Don’t give up. Keep trying because your family’s worth it!

Be safe. Be well. Be blessed.

*Cool Hand Luke, 1967, Directed by Stuart Rosenberg, Produced by Gordon Carroll, based on Cool Hand Luke by Donn Pearce, Jalem Productions, Warner Bros.-Seven Arts

**The Great Courses-Effective Communication Skills, Professor Dalton Kehoe, Ph. D.

***Ephesians 4:29, NIV, Blueletterbible.org

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Beverly Smith
With three adult kids and two preschool grandkids, Beverly stays busy keeping up with her family and loves it. She likes to learn new things, be outdoors, and travel. You can frequently find her running with her dog Jack, reading a good book, or watching movies, crime dramas, and Auburn football. She met her husband Kent at Troy University and they moved to Auburn one month after they were married. Originally a Medical Technologist, she obtained a second degree from Auburn University's School of Education and taught Physical Science and Biology at Opelika High School until she decided to become a full time mom. If you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, she'll say, "A writer for children." She has written preschool activities curriculum and is currently writing middle grade fiction.