Well Poop!

I can recall, when my son was only a few months old, calling my friend to discuss that he had not pooped in two days. While I was on the phone with her, a massive streak of baby diarrhea began to flow down my leg from my bundle of joy resting in my lap. A few months later, in the middle of a blowout diaper change, while resting my right hand on my baby boy as to make sure that he did not wiggle off of the changing table, I, in my rookie parenting mistake, crossed over with my left hand to reach for the wipes on the far side of the table. In doing so, my gassy love bug proceeded to let out a cute little toot, which sent feces flying in a fashion that would rival the accuracy of any military missile strike, towards my face landing precariously close to my mouth. I shouted more expletives than any drunken scalawag of a sailor, surely causing my grandmother to hang her head with embarrassment in the afterlife. I call for my dear darling husband to finish the change while I clean the excrement from my face, but instead he decides to laugh to the point of almost causing his own bowel movement. A mere week before sitting down to write this defecation dedicated blog post, another friend with a son close in age to mine, asked me if I had any tips on how to make his son poop, while my own terrible two year old can be heard grunting from the kitchen, hiding in an attempt to have privacy in making his own number 2.

Now you may ask why on earth has this woman chosen to write about infantile excrement. We as parents, whether we want to admit it or not, live a poop-centric life. From meconium, diarrhea, constipation, pooping too much, not pooping enough, blow outs, different colors, different smells, different consistency, potty training, being concerned with irregularity in an older child. There are even children’s books dedicated to dropping the deuce, several of which are on my child’s own bookshelf. So as your self-described, mostly friendly, neighborhood hot mess mom, I would like to give you some tips and tricks that have worked for me. (Side note: Always consult a medical professional before treating any condition at home.)

CONSTIPATION
Ah, the grunts, strains, and pains of a plugged-up pooper. My sweet beast of a baby boy is no stranger to the realm of constipation. As an infant, in the throes of colic, gas, and everything else, the occasional blocked bum can be a big bummer.

• Bicycle kicks: Help that baby ride that invisible bicycle! Circle those legs, move that abdomen, loosen that intestinal gate, and help your child channel their inner Tour de France cycling dreams! Coach them to be #1 at making #2!
• Windi by Freidababy: ***Warning: this will turn your babies’ rear into a tiny poo cannon. Beware!!*** Google it, if you want visual evidence of this. Small tube obtained over the counter, carefully inserted in the rump to be played like a tiny flute of flatulence, turned weapon of mass defecation.
• Poo Poo Dance: Trademarked by my very own husband. This dance of the doo is basically the father’s version of a rainmaker’s dance, just for poop. It consists of gently bouncing baby up and down in a vertical motion, that usually for us, resulted in a bowel movement in a matter of an hour or so. On the plus side, you get to enjoy sweet baby giggles, while this dance is being performed.
• Diluted Prune Juice or anything pruny in general: So when my terrible two year old, who no longer will sit still for any of the previous methods mention, I resorted to an old grandmother’s trick. Sippy cup, half with water and half with prune juice. Beast child loves the sweet flavor, and mom loves the relief it brings usually by bed time. Stink, not so much, but the happy toddler is worth the half bottle of air freshener and disinfectant used to help clean up the aftermath.

DIARRHEA
The fecal flood gates have open and for everyone sake you just want them to close!!!

• For infant diarrhea, I always called the pediatrician. As a first time parent, any leakage of bodily fluid terrified me.
• Pedialyte and Popsicles: So now that I am slightly more seasoned in parenthood, I don’t quite jump to the pediatrician as quickly as I use to. I have found that the tried and true, Pedialyte, always helps hydrate him while whatever the cause of the booty bug passes. However, when toddler tantrums rear its ugly head and refuses the drink. My mommy go-to is popsicles! Who doesn’t love popsicles? Especially when Mom always claims they are “sold out” to avoid the messy dripage. I personally opt for those that are fruit-based and the less sugar, the better.

DIAPER RASH
The ugly, itchy, cousin of diarrhea.

• Air out that Dairy Aire: Let that baby bum fly free!!! General consensus among the mom forums, located deep in the dark corners of the internet, and tested personally in our house. Air heals all! Be forewarned, this does leave the doo dumper and the urinator exposed. Plan accordingly.

 

As parents, we cannot escape the poop. So embrace the stink, wear that brown badge of courage with pride, and let your little one know, that in the words of some wise person at some point in time, “Everybody poops.” It’s normal, it’s natural, and it’s the parenting rite of passage.

Unless your kid sprays poop in your face…that’s just not cool…

This post has been brought to you by your friendly, neighborhood hot-mess momma. Please comment with any tips, tricks, or poop horror stories of your own!