I am one of those people who tries to see the best in people. If someone does something offensive, I ask, “was that personal or are they just having a bad day and walking through something difficult?” But several years ago, an ongoing series of events really made me question whether or not forgiveness was a route I was willing to take. I was angry, bitter, and if you are in my circle, you probably heard me rant about it more than once.
I went through a Freedom group at Church of the Highlands and I was challenged to forgive this situation-but in my heart, I couldn’t. The offense was unforgivable in my eyes. It involved my child-the one thing in this world that I am completely responsible for. Every time I thought about the situation, I became more and more bitter. Talking about it only fueled the anger I had in my heart.
There is a bigger piece to this puzzle. My son and husband are my world, my rocks, my motivation, and my most precious people. Do I want my son to see and feel the bitterness of this situation? Kids sense thing. My answer is no. What kind of example do I want to set for my son? Sometimes we have to do hard things.
One day, after praying and worshipping alone in my closet, I was freed from that anger and bitterness. I asked the Lord to remove it because it was only making me miserable. I was hurting but it was not solving the problem. So I let it go. I did not talk about the situation any more.
Recently, the Lord put this situation back on my heart. I was not filled with bitterness anymore, but sadness for everyone involved. There is some healing that is going to have to take place, some hearts that have to be actively forgiven, and some validations that must occur for some relationships to be built back up. I realized I did not have to repair and absolve wrong immediately, but mend the relationships slowly.
This has been a five year ordeal and there are things I probably could have done differently and better. There is grace I should have extended in some situations, even though I felt justified in my anger. I am not absolving the other party of their wrong, but I am opening a door for reconciliation that I was sure I had closed indefinitely.
It is freeing. It is not repaired yet, but the door is back open. I have released the bitterness. And the person who felt most heavy from that bitterness (me), now has a weight lifted. It is not easy. There is still a road to complete healing. But we are on that road now and it feels freeing.
