10 of My #momfails; The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I have a text thread on my phone I have affectionately named “The Offspring.” Somewhere in the recesses of my quarantine-muddled brain I came up with the idea of using it to ask them to name my biggest #momfails. My phone exploded to life and after a barrage of texts pointing out numerous less than stellar moments, the middle one dubbed it, “Best. Thread. Ever.”

Let me just say, if you don’t want to know your #momfail moments, don’t ask. I did ask, however, and here is what I got:

1. Never, never, never draw a happy face on your middle school son’s lunch items. You will regret this life choice. Big #momfails 
2. If it is your desire that your three year old eat her eggs before going out to play with a friend, do not leave her and said friend alone at the table with the admonition, “Those eggs better be gone when I get back,” especially if said friend loves scrambled eggs and your three year old does not. 
3. Always count your children before leaving the ball park. This becomes even more important when when their age range makes it necessary to play at different ball parks at the same time and you are carpooling with friends.
4. If you have car trouble and you let your two year old out of his car seat because it is taking a long time for help to arrive, make sure he cannot roll down the window, or make him wear a helmet, or both.
5. Always count your children before leaving church. (see#3)
6. If you need to administer milk of magnesia (upon doctor’s orders) to your three year old, do not put it in chocolate pudding with the intention of disguising the flavor. She will never eat chocolate pudding again and will continue to blame you for this. Forever #momfails
7. Once your oldest becomes literate, spelling ice cream is no longer effective in keeping the information a secret. Or cookies, or cake, or anything else for that matter.
8. Did I mention always count your children before leaving the ball park? Also they will continue to remind you of this in later years. (see #’s 3 and 5)
9. If you, like me, occasionally find yourself in a state of preoccupation over your to-do list, what’s available in the pantry for dinner options, who has what activity at what time, etc., do not allow your brain to shift into neutral and only be triggered by the words, “Shut up!” coming out of your youngest’s mouth. You will find yourself scolding her only to discover years later that her older sister had been calling her, and I quote, “all sorts of terrible names and then I would tell her to shut up, and then you’d fuss at me for saying ‘shut up’ and not scold her once.” Then you will find out that it was the oldest’s “favorite game,” to play and you will have one of those “aha” moments over the sly smile you witnessed on several occasions.
10. If you ever find yourself walking with your young children on a snowy dirt backroad in Colorado in four degree weather because you have had a fender bender with your car sliding down an icy hill, never say to your youngest, “Don’t cry. Your tears may freeze.” She will only cry much harder and bring to your attention in her adult years how badly you blew it in your efforts to comfort her.#momfails again…

Bonus #momfail : If your junior high school age daughter is afraid to even ride the log flume at Six Flags, do not, I repeat, do not talk her into riding the Jurassic Park ride on her band trip to Islands of Adventure by telling her, “It looks like a fun little boat ride down a pretend river where things pop out of the water and spray you.” You will regret this. Note: There is a five-story drop in near darkness into a T Rex’s mouth at the end of the ride. Just saying.

Double Bonus #momfail :If all of your children decide to take the same foreign language in school and become fluent, make sure you have at least some knowledge of said language. If you decide to take a family mission trip where they can use that language, and if it is a construction trip and you decide to only pack three outfits each and wash during the week to reduce the amount of luggage, do not even think about putting white powdered laundry detergent into a gallon zip-lock bag to save space in your already over-crowded suitcase and then bring the leftover detergent home. Upon exiting the foreign country, airport security will search your luggage and your children will be terrified that the guard with the gun is going to arrest you and your trip leader will set his lips in a hard line and gently ask you to step aside while he sorts things out, and there will be a delay in boarding your plane, and your offspring will gleefully tell this story from then on until eternity at every possible opportunity.

Well, now you know. My ten plus greatest #momfails and as my OBGYN once told me to tell my kids, “To learn from your mistakes is smart. To learn from someone else’s mistakes is brilliant.”

We had a lot of fun reminiscing over all of these, some of us more than others…but hopefully, we have given you a little laughter to lighten your load in all the heaviness of these uncertain days. And hopefully you will now be brilliant-at least in these areas.

Stay home! Stay safe! Stay well!