Let me start this post by saying two things.
1) I can’t stand that there is some kind of war between Stay at Home Moms and Working Moms
2) I can’t stand the phrase “Working Mom”- We’re all working, all the time. So, that being said from this point on in this blog AND in real life, I will be referring to these women as “Working Outside of the Home” moms.
I grew up with a mom who worked outside of the home. In my younger years, I never really thought about the option of staying at home. As time went on and having children went from a idea in the back of my head to a reality, my thoughts began to change. I found that I had a desire to be with my kids full time in the very early years. I’ll be honest, I hadn’t really found my career path in life and maybe if I had I would have felt differently.
Actually, I know I would have felt differently. Had I been at a job that I felt truly passionate about I would have fought tooth and nail to keep it. Sadly, for my professional life, that just didn’t happen. My husband’s mother was a stay at home mom for the majority of her children’s years, so he was always up for that route. I was very nervous about telling my mom about my decision to stay at home. I was surprised (although I’m not sure why because she’s always stood beside me) when she said she was relieved. She had hated leaving me in childcare but for us, there was no other choice. She was so glad that I had the ability to stay full-time with my new infant.
Still, this was all new to me. All moms that work inside the home can have a big laugh during this next part. I thought staying at home would be easy street. (HAHAHHAHAHA) I had no idea what I was getting into or what life would REALLY look like as a full time Mom. So, for those who were like me, I’d like to present you with 4 reasons why your Working in the Home friends are stressed out.
Our jobs are 24/7.
Moms who work outside of the home are also working constantly. I’m under no disillusion that these women are coming home and taking a load off. I know better. But what those who work outside of the home might not see is that while, yes, we CAN do a load of laundry during the middle of the day, our days never end. It’s like Groundhog’s Day around here. Every day is virtually the same. I deal with every single dirty diaper. I deal with every single melt down, every single meal. AND. IT. NEVER. ENDS. The day never really ends for me. I don’t leave an office and think “well that’s tomorrow’s problem” because I never leave my place of work. There is always something I “could” be doing and that’s so frustrating at times. There is no vacation time. There is no coming in late or leaving early for an appointment. We get burned out at our job just as much as others. The only difference is there is no time off from it.
We are Very Isolated
By the time my husband gets home, I’m like a ticking time bomb for adult conversation. One can only sing Baby Shark so many times before they feel their head is going to explode. I also spend about 90% of our conversations talking about my kid (and how many times we sang baby shark that day) Why? Because that’s my whole day. In the early days of babyhood, you hardly leave the house. You’re lucky to make it to the grocery store and back before they are screaming, have pooped, and are late for a nap or feeding. Thanks to nap schedules and my daughter being one of “those kids” (The kind that can’t sleep unless conditions are perfect). We were home almost all the time. When/If we made it to things it was random and inconsistent. I told another Mom recently that I felt I was finally getting to know other Moms since we’re down to one nap. It’s been so freeing to speak to other adults and get out of the house without it being a major stressor. We wish more than anything we could meet you for lunch or that we could go shopping all day. It’s just not in the cards and we are just as sad as you are about it.
No Appreciation
Ok, so this one is a bit shaky. My friends, family, and spouse are constantly telling me what a good job I’m doing with my child. I’m one of the lucky ones. Most Moms work their behinds off for little to no appreciation what so ever. Although I have a ton of support from others, do you think my toddler appreciates anything I do? Nope. Not at all. You get used to no one saying thank you or rewarding you for your hard work. There are no promotions or bonus plans. No round of applause in the monthly meeting. It can get a girl down real fast. You work and you work and you work. You read about childhood development and research milestones and how to help your child reach them. You plan the meals, buy the groceries, and then cook everything. Running a home can be a full-time job when you take on the majority of the responsibility and then you top it off with child care. Let me be clear, I DO feel appreciated. I really do. But, I’ll be honest sometimes I get frustrated when people don’t see the amount of work I put into my job. And as I said, I’m one of the lucky ones. A lot of Moms who work at home aren’t getting anything.
You Keep Telling Me I’m Lucky
Nope I’m not lucky, I worked hard for this to be my position. I didn’t just stumble into being a Mom who works in the home. This was thought about and fully planned for. My husband and I have, and continue to sacrifice to make this a reality. He sacrificed on the monetary front but I have sacrificed on a much higher level. I and moms like me gave up the things you’d expect (extra money, a career, etc.) but we gave up a lot that you don’t see. We gave up any alone time. We gave up needing to get our nails done, hair colored, new clothes. We gave up our happy hours and our dinners out. You see, we don’t “need” these things because no one expects it of us. It’s not that I never do any of that stuff, I do. But it’s not necessary because I’m not going to an office or trying to impress my boss. I don’t have the excuse to take time for myself. I’m betting a lot of Moms who do what I do feel the same. Money isn’t tight but it’s also not flowing like it would be if I was working full-time. I feel guilty for doing those things when I don’t have to. Plus, when would I find the time? There is no one to watch my daughter and I’m not about to take a 1 1/2 year old to a nail salon. I’m not trying to sound like a martyr. As I said, I DO do these things, just not as often and my own needs take a backseat and get rescheduled to the point of ridiculousness. So while I love being at home, no, I’m not lucky. I made a choice just like you did.
This post wasn’t meant to be a rant or to make you feel sorry for me. I’m very happy with my life. I get to see every second of my daughter’s development and let me tell you, its been a wild ride thus far. I can’t tell you how often I kiss her cheeks and say “I’m so happy I get to be your Mom.” When you’re a Mom who works inside the home your favorite phrase becomes: “The days are long but the years are short.” It’s so true in our situation. The days are long and can be very very very long (looking at you sleep regressions and teething) but I wouldn’t trade this time for anything. I hope this showed you a glimpse of what your friend might be feeling but not putting into words. If you work at home as I do, I hope this post makes you feel a little less like it’s just you.
