A Two Letter Word That Could Save Your Sanity

I’ve been reflecting on what to write for a few days now. I had a whole range of ideas but nothing really stuck until I asked myself “What’s the one piece of advice you could give someone who is about to go from a single child to multiple?” And just like that, I knew what I needed to share (although I feel like I could write an entire anthology on trying to put two kids to bed at the same time, but we’ll save that for another time).

The moral of this story is simple: It’s okay to say “no.”

Let me explain.

I have always been the type of mom, friend, wife, boss, and leader that never wants to disappoint the people around me. I don’t like using the “no” word while parenting because I can’t stand it when my child regurgitates it back to me (and she does… A LOT). I realize it’s inevitable but I struggle with it daily. I don’t like turning down plans involving my friends and family, so five days out of the week I usually find myself running around from one play date to another trying to mend groups of friends together so I can see everyone in my time off from work. This attitude doesn’t just apply to play dates but bleeds into my marriage and my job on most days as well.

With one child, this struggle was less apparent. It was easier to get from place to place, make plans with multiple people, or get a babysitter for the occasional (okay, RARE) date night. But now, with two children, things have definitely become more complicated.

The first two days of our son’s life, like most new mothers, were spent recovering in the hospital. At first, I was stressed due to the hospital’s flu restriction that had been placed allowing no visitors that weren’t immediate family or anyone over the age of 12. My heart ached that my toddler wouldn’t be able to meet her little brother the day he was born or that my friends would not be able to come see us during our hospital stay. In hind sight, it was a glorious 48 hours of relaxation and bonding as a family of three that we will never have again. This was the first time I realized how valuable the word “no” would become.

With your first child, it’s more likely that you will find new friends while doing activities like playing at the park, strolling around the neighborhood, listening to baby time at the library, attending a parenting small group, etc. The women and children we met during my toddler’s first three years of life have helped me survive so many days that at the time felt never ending.

However, with the second child, you are already dividing your time between your first child and their established activities and friends, and your fresh newborn. There’s not nearly as much time to take a leisurely walk through Target with Starbucks in hand in hopes to speak to another lonely, tired-looking mom on the diaper aisle. It’s not as manageable to get to the park on a last-minute play date that your most recent mom friend texted you about this morning. You not only have to think about your toddler and their needs – will this interfere with nap time? Did she actually eat breakfast or just feed it to the dogs? How many episodes of Paw Patrol is this? — But now you also have to prioritize a fragile, even more dependent human relying on you for the simplest things again. (I mean let’s be honest, sometimes I forget to move him from room to room with me for a few minutes).

I still try my hardest to be social for my sake and my little girl’s, but at times it is just exhausting. I didn’t realize how on certain days all three of us would have to take advantage of “quiet/nap time.” (Like that time I thought it was a great idea to take both kids to a birthday party at the local trampoline park in the morning and to My Gym in the afternoon.)

Struggling with time management and child rearing is something I do daily. I figure every stage will have its complications over the next 18 years however probably with a different look – up next: soccer games, gymnastics class, swim lessons, homework, club meetings, you name it. I needed to realize early on in this adjustment from one child to two that saying “no” isn’t just okay, it’s a necessity. There are going to be days we can’t do it all even when we try. There is no reason to push myself or my children to try to be everywhere every time we’re invited. It’s just not going to happen. And that’s just fine.

So remember this, Mama, and repeat after me: It’s okay to say “no.” (Unless it’s to nap time, then it’s always a “yes.”)