Being the Mom of a Teenager is HARD

No one said raising teenagers would be easy, and although I’m new to this (my oldest just turned 13) it’s been harder than I ever imagined. There’s the typical “teenage” stuff – attitudes and rolled eyes, slammed doors and endless (endless!) arguments over time spent on the Xbox or cell phone, but something else I’m slowly realizing is how hard it is to be the mom of a teenager. I know being a teenager isn’t a piece of cake – in fact, I remember quite clearly how rough 13 was for me. It’s awkward and weird and embarrassing. But being the mom of a teenager can be lonely and isolating… and also awkward and weird and embarrassing. I had my oldest shortly after turning 20, so most of my mom friends are trudging through the toddler years or sending kids off to elementary school – not googling “how to monitor your child’s social media activity” or “what is vaping?”

I never realized how difficult it would be to make friends with women who were also raising teens. At least when you have little kids you can chat with moms at the park, library or during play dates. You make friends at the soccer field or in the classroom while volunteering to laminate or staple. When your kids are in preschool, you find time to talk to moms in the hallway or at birthday parties. If you go to church, you’ll find plenty small groups for parents of young children. We have MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and even MOMSnext (for moms with school age children), but what about a Mothers of Teens group? I might just need to start my own because as your child gets older, it’s crazy how little interaction you end up having with their friends’ parents. You don’t go with your kids to birthday parties anymore, you don’t spend much time up at the school, you’re not coordinating play dates, or even chatting at the ball field as much as when they were younger.

Moms with older kids will see each other at open houses at the beginning of the school year, or in passing at the grocery store and we’ll smile and wave, but there’s no time to dive deep. When do we get to talk about how hard it’s been, or how frustrated and angry we’ve been feeling? About what’s normal and what we should be worried about? When do we get to ask how they’ve been dealing with social media and curfews and figuring out how to dole out the right amount of independence?

When our kids are little, we love to swap stories about the chaos our toddlers cause during nap time, potty training trials, and how to nail down a sleep schedule. There’s no shame in sharing the embarrassing tantrum in Target or the third “warning” from daycare about our child being the classroom biter. But somehow, when our kids get older, we start to hide the difficulties. I’m sure part of this is because we don’t want to violate our child’s privacy or embarrass them by over sharing, but I think a bigger issue is that we no longer think it’s normal to struggle. We should have it together by now, right? If we’ve done the right thing, made the right parenting choices, then we should be reaping the benefits of a trustworthy and respectful teenager. Is that it? And when we struggle – we feel ashamed. We doubt the choices we’ve made up until this point. Wonder where we went wrong. Reconsider all the minute decisions that led us to these difficult days, weeks, months. I know this hits home for me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked myself who this child is that has taken up residence in my home. Obsessed over all the things I’ve apparently failed to teach him over the years. Without a close group of mom friends in my boat, I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the stuff we’re going through. I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not anymore. I know my friends with little kids feel for me, and are happy to be a listening ear, but what I really need is advice. I need tried and true ways to survive these years with my sanity (and more importantly, our relationship) intact. I need friends who are a few steps ahead of me in life, who have been where I am and can give me all the tips and tricks. All the reassurance that everything is going to be just fine, I just have to hold on (tight) for the next couple of years.

Motherhood in general can be isolating and I’m finding that being the mother of a teenager has been even more so. Check on your friends with teens at home. Ask them how things are going and leave some space for the answer. We have to stick together for the long haul, ladies. Provide the moms a few stages behind you with genuine support, a shoulder to cry on, and reassurance that this too shall pass. If they ask, give them advice about how you survived those years. Be more intentional about seeking out friends in your same stage of life, regardless of whether your children are friends. We could all use a bigger village.