Seeing the kids move into the adult world is giving me a new perspective on their growing up years and I’ve been pondering some things I’m thankful we did.
1.We gave them chores.
When our oldest started kindergarten, I gave her two chores-clean your room and make your bed. I didn’t expect perfection, only that she do her best and do it without being reminded. A few family members were appalled that I was giving a five year old chores and at least one friend commented, “I couldn’t stand it. I’d have to re-do everything for her in order to make sure it was done right.” But I felt it was important for her to learn to help around the house and it gave her an opportunity to feel more grown up, like she was needed in the household. My part was to get her up early so she’d have plenty of time to complete the task, thus setting her up for success, and to help her out the first few times until she learned to do it so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed. Soon she was into the routine and saw it as part of being old enough to go to school and we didn’t have any complaining. Her siblings learned by watching her and took on their own chores willingly as they reached school age.
As the kids got older, they were assigned additional morning responsibilities. By the time they were in middle school, the oldest was sweeping the kitchen floor each morning, the middle one was taking out the trash, and the youngest was collecting the dirty clothes and taking them to the laundry closet. All three were in the band, so once chores were done, twenty minutes of practicing their instruments became part of the morning as well. Practicing was required for their school grade and mornings were the most consistent time of day to do that.
The final event in the morning routine was all three of them sitting down at the same time and at least having the opportunity to eat breakfast. I’m from the school of thought that believes in the importance of beginning the day with some nourishment but it also gave us a moment to touch base and say, “Good morning; I love you; have a good day.”
Besides their morning jobs, at mealtime each family member took their own dishes to the dishwasher and the kids were in charge of the unloading and putting away once the dishes were clean. By junior high, on Saturdays, each child was assigned a bathroom to clean before they were free for the day.
My hope was that the discipline of having a morning routine would prepare them for being responsible adults. By treating chores as being as normal as getting dressed in the morning, and working alongside them on my own tasks, there wasn’t a lot of attitude involved. They saw the routine as just part of life and it wasn’t a problem. With incorporating the kids into the household chores, none of us was overburdened, our house stayed reasonably clean, and they grew up with the confidence that came from being a vital contributing member of our household.
2. We taught them to manage money.
Kent and I were blessed to have had a wonderful couple mentor us in our young married Sunday school class at our church. On one weekend retreat, they took us through a course on money management written by Larry Burkett. We learned many good things from the course and also found a simple idea for teaching our children about money management from some of his other materials.
With three pint-sized cartons, some markers, and some craft paper, the kids and I spent an afternoon making each of them three coin banks labeled “Church,” “Saving,” and “Spending.” Then, Kent and I sat down and explained the system. We would give them an allowance of one dollar a week in dimes. (They were ranging in age from 2-7 at the time and one dollar was not only a sensible amount, but it made division easy and it wouldn’t strain our one-income budget.) This allowance was not based on merit or performance, only for the purpose of teaching them about money. The first dime each week was designated as a tithe and went into the church bank to be cheerfully given on Sunday. Four dimes went into the savings bank to be saved for big things like college, etc. We took them to the bank and opened each of them a savings account in their name. As the money in their savings bank added up, they counted their own money-with help at first-and made out deposit slips for regular deposits. The remaining five dimes went into the spending bank and was theirs to spend as they wished.
All our kids played recreation league or school sports in some capacity so we spent a lot of time at the ball park. Our youngest’s favorite spot was standing with her chin on the concession stand counter gazing at the ring pops and the dill pickles. When she asked for money to buy, our response was, “Did you bring your money?” At her crestfallen look, we told her, “You can have something if you want, but that comes out of your budget.” It didn’t take long before she became proficient at remembering to bring her fifty cents with her. Now, before you pronounce us cruel parents, that kid finishes up medical school this spring debt free, so she learned her lessons well. All three of them did, actually, and we are very proud of them. By saving, working, earning scholarships, etc., they all came out of undergraduate school debt-free and are all paying, or have paid off graduate school debt responsibly. We learned from Larry Burkett that most kids don’t get any training in how to manage money growing up. These concepts were so simple to use with out kids and they laid a foundation for lifelong responsible finances. I’m so thankful for the couple who mentored us early in our marriage and not only taught us, but gave us the tools to teach our kids.
3. We made family mealtime a priority.
Dr. James Dobson once said that one common factor in raising well-adjusted kids is sitting down together as a family at mealtime. The interaction and camaraderie built at the family dinner table cannot be underestimated. All three of our children participated in extra-curricular activities so we had our share of conflicts, carpools, after school club meetings, and practices, but one thing I tried really hard to do was to find a twenty minute window and provide a nourishing meal at dinnertime, insisting that all of us make it to the table at the same time. With rare exception, this was accomplished.
It took preparation. I planned out a two week menu and put it on the refrigerator, basing the difficulty of the meal prep on our schedule on any given night. Then, I bought the necessary groceries to prepare all the meals on the menu. As the kids got older, anyone who was home early could look on the menu, see what was planned, and get started on the meal prep. If for some reason the schedule changed, or someone (who shall remain nameless) ate up the ingredients for that night’s meal as an after-school snack, there were other meals to choose from and all the supplies were available. When everyone else got home, the meal prep became a joint effort. Bonus-they all love to cook and we got more family time working together in the kitchen.
By sitting down together to eat, turning off the TV/tech, we actually got to look at each other, take a minute to catch a breath, and share the funny or horrible parts of our day. We were intentional about connecting as a family. We got to know what was going on in each other’s lives and offer support and encouragement. Mealtime was the family intersection during the busiest seasons of our lives and the bond we established made all the planning, scheduling, and extra trouble it took to get there worth it.
As our youngest is launched and I look back, I see a crazy mix of successes and failures as a mom. As the song goes, “I got it right sometimes and sometimes I did not.” But through all the challenges, successes, failures, and happy accidents, at least with these three intentional parenting choices, I’m really glad we hung in there and pressed on. It’s been so much fun to see the results as we watch our kids build on these foundations as they do life as adults.
https://drjamesdobson.org/blogs/faith-and-family/how-to-save-your-family/2015/06/24/how-meal-time-can-save-your-family
coltondixonmusic.com
www.crown.org/?s=kids
