I Am Not Enough

We hear a lot about our ability, as mamas, to overcome the challenges of the day. We hear that we are enough for the children who have been entrusted to us. We are enough and we have enough and if we believe we will have enough to do this life well. I love the sentiment behind the words, but I have decided I can no longer trust this mantra. I had a day of reckoning recently, where I had to surrender the belief that I am able to withstand all things because I am enough. It was a tough moment because I knew there was truth in the mantra but it was failing me. I stood in front of my washing machine and I took a deep breath and then leaned into a grace that caught me and held me and helped me make sense of the words I held dear.

It was a Monday morning and I had barely recovered from the day before. I woke with a list that needed my attention and three children who needed not only attention, but my heart. I rolled through preschool drop off, gave home school instructions to the oldest, returned phone calls concerning appointment times for speech and dyslexia therapy, and the beginning of laundry. Somewhere around the third phone call and the fourth load of laundry, I realized a collapse was coming. The racing thoughts were relentless and the what ifs were taking over and all the while  I attempted to remain composed enough to answer questions about division and multiplication. The thoughts were ones we can all relate to, “am I doing enough,” “hearing them enough,” “fighting for them enough,” “teaching them enough,” “AM I ENOUGH”.

I felt my body demand a change in thought and I moved to the front porch for a pause. I sat and rocked and gave my best attempt to redirect the brain. I failed. I opened my Bible, turned on worship music, closed my eyes and took a real breath. A long and deep and restoring breath. I asked the Lord to speak over my heart and reveal why I was not able to grasp the life set before me that day. I quickly found myself in a prayer of surrender, I surrendered all I thought I knew to be true and right and good for my children. I surrendered all of the plans I made for their present and their future. I surrendered every hard thing in their lives. I surrendered my ability to handle or manage or control. I surrendered being enough. I read and sang and rocked and waited. I began to repeat “My times are in your hands” – “Our times are in your hands”. I then read down the page and in a sacred stumble I came upon “Praise be to the Lord, for he showed me the wonders of his love when I was in a city under siege” Psalm 31:21. My body instantly released and my mind got quiet and still. He changed the story line and He once again came to my rescue to speak truth over my pain.

I began listing all the things that I cannot do in my strength. It looked a lot like every single thing in my life. I felt a peace pour over my once clenched body. I was intentional in itemizing  what felt like a never ending list of what I am not enough to accomplish on my own. Here are a few of the major takeaways…

1. The future- it is a futile activity to plan or even prepare for the future without the help and counsel of the One who is Alpha and Omega. I have one moment to concern myself with and that is the one I am currently dwelling in. Yes, plans have to be made and preparations put in place to accomplish goals but that can be done in peaceful surrender and quiet trust.

2. Loving and serving my people- I have no good thing in me apart from Christ. I do not have patience, endurance, grace, a steady mind, a gentle voice, or a tender heart. It should not come as a surprise when I feel overwhelmed by the never ending request for a snack or a tantrum when I am not calling on my Source of life to guide me through. Even with the work of the Holy Spirit inside of me I am never going to respond with the grace my children deserve every single time. Those moments require me to remember I am also a child…a child of the most high who generously forgives and redeems.

3. Giving my full heart and mind and attention to the gifts that have been entrusted to me- suiting up and showing every single day with a desire and willingness to face head on the challenges before me. Giving the appropriate time to correcting and instructing. Getting in the trenches to reach the hearts of the little ones who desire their will and staying steady in the desire for their hearts to be changed more than the quick change of their behavior. Trusting the Creator of their souls to give me the wisdom I need to pursue the hard places and not just the outward showing of pain and hurt and confusion. Remembering that He loves me in this way…He wants all of me not a robotic obedience.

I am not enough to do any of that on my own but I know the One Who is always at work in the lives of His beloved. I know the Love that took Him to the cross to set me free. I know the scorn endured so that I do not sit in the unknown over the lives of those I love. I know the One who is present and willing and in each breath I take. The One who can align my thoughts with His word and my desires with His desires. The One who gives and takes away and still remains the same day after day. I have let go of my mantra and I have adopted a new, “He is enough and I am His.”