It’s not uncommon after giving birth, especially for the first time, for a mom to feel a little bit shocked by the experience. Whether she is overwhelmed by the physical intensity of the experience or surprised at all the medical procedures and paraphernalia that can accompany birth, it can be a lot to process. It can be really helpful, after giving birth, to have a safe person to debrief with—someone to talk over all the details. It’s important to choose this person carefully.
I remember so clearly the day after giving birth to my first child, a friend came to visit me in the hospital. “Well, I’m never doing that again,” I said to her. She was a mother of two, a nurse. “You will,” she assured me, and she was right. But she also understood.
After I did do “that” again, and my second baby was born, I remember very clearly one little part of my birth that I wish had gone differently. I wished I had spoken up, that I could have slowed down the moment and made my doctor understand what I needed. But the birth had happened quickly. I didn’t want an episiotomy, and he honored that wish, but he also didn’t do anything to try to help me have a controlled birth without tearing. I wished over and over that I had had just a minute, in that moment, to explain what I wanted from him. And that moment during that second birth played over and over in my mind for months. I equally blamed myself and him, by turns, by the tear that I experienced. It wasn’t even a terrible injury. When I spoke my thoughts out loud, they sounded trivial to me. But I kept replaying that one moment over and over. Physically, I healed well with no lasting side effects. But it was that feeling of not being understood, not getting the help I wanted in that moment that I couldn’t let go of.
It wasn’t until I had to write about my previous birth experiences for an assignment in my doula training that I finally released my bad feelings about that moment. I came to have compassion for my doctor and myself, and I owned the choice I had made when I selected my doctor and hospital. My doctor wasn’t a midwife, and I had expected him to practice like one, which wasn’t fair. I had chosen his practice out of many other options that were available to me. And he did, after all, honor my request when I told him I didn’t want an episiotomy. I now believe that he cared about my outcome and did the best he knew how.
That experience, that writing assignment, taught me the benefit of thoroughly debriefing after birth. The act includes reviewing both the facts of what happened and also reflecting on our feelings about them. It’s something that I recommend to all of my doula clients and childbirth class students. Here are some tips I give them:
1: Choose someone who will listen without judgment. The last thing you need when you’re trying to process your birth is someone telling you what you should have done differently, or how thankful you should be that you and your baby came through the experience healthy. Of course you’re thankful for a healthy baby and the fact that you survived childbirth. But that doesn’t diminish the fact that some parts of it may have been difficult.
2: Choose someone who is comfortable with birth or not put off by “TMI” topics. You know that friend who can talk about poop or popped blisters without turning green? Sometimes she’s a nurse. (But remember, she needs to meet that first qualification, too.) Or maybe someone like my friend who’s a birth photographer, who’s seen a lot of births and knows how things can go.
3: Talk about it, then talk about it again. It may take more than one time of going through the details to uncover what you need to about your birth. The first time may be just about getting the facts clear. Later you may be able to delve into how you felt about what happened.
4: Don’t be afraid to talk with a professional. Sometimes it takes someone with the skills of a counselor to help us get to the heart of what troubled us about our birth and to find a path to healing. If you find after time has passed that you have negative thoughts that go around and around in your mind, if you keep replaying scenes from your birth over in your head, consider seeking out a counselor skilled in helping with these types of issues.
Did you find it helpful to talk through your birth experience with a trusted person? Share your experience in the comments.
This is so helpful, thanks for sharing!
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