It was the best day— June 14, 2016. The day I had been longing for for 38 weeks. I got to hold my precious babies.
Two perfect little boys were born weighing 6.1 and 7.1 pounds. It was bliss. Hard, but so amazing and wonderful.
Then we got home and settled. Things got harder. I became lonely. I was frustrated. I was hurt. Where were all my friends? Why couldn’t I see them? Why was I no longer invited to their homes or out to eat? Why was it that my husband got to (in my eyes) continue life as normal, but I was stuck at home with two newborns, high blood pressure, and a broken elbow? It wasn’t fair, at least not by my definition of the word. Yes, I chose motherhood. Yes, I wanted this. Yes, I was thankful for the opportunity that I knew so many longed for. I felt guilty. I wallowed. I cried out to the Lord.
Eventually I gathered the nerve to take my babies into the real world and things got better, but no one prepared me for the 8 weeks of lonely that was life with a newborn before I returned to work.
What I found later, was that I wasn’t the only mom who struggled with the same things. I found article after article that pointed to the psychology behind it all. Loneliness in motherhood is real. It’s very real and sometimes very painful. It was more than just wanting “a break” or a nap, it was deeper than that. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I didn’t even know how to put it into words for the longest time so I never told anyone how I felt until one day I broke down and poured my heart out to my husband. It was then that I realized that all I needed to do was open my mouth and speak up.
If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you are not alone! These are the things I realized (too late) that I should have done and hope to do in the future if loneliness strikes again:
- Call your mom/sister/bestie. It’s okay to say “I’m lonely.” I thought it would make me look weak or like I couldn’t handle motherhood. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Don’t feel bad for asking someone to come over to visit. Asking for help doesn’t make you a bad mom.
- Be honest with your spouse. The best thing I did was be honest with my husband (through a series of crying breakdowns) that I was lonely. It helped him understand that it was more than just hormones. I needed to see adult people. I needed to be with a friend. Doing so opened the lines of communication to where we were able to work out a better schedule that worked for both of us and where I felt supported.
- Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor. Unfortunately for me, the loneliness was accompanied with anxiety and I didn’t realize it at the time because I was too afraid to tell someone how I felt. I needed the help of a medical professional and instead I spent time in self-pity and bitterness towards this “new normal” of becoming a parent.
You are not forgotten. Your friends love you. Your family loves you. Your church family loves you. Your village loves you. You have to let them know what you need from them. You are a great mom.
