Oh, My God:: Part 1

Years ago, a friend told me about a summer she spent in college studying Proverbs Chapter 31 with a group of friends. She laughed and said they started calling themselves the P31WOG’s (Proverbs 31 Women of God). Now, having raised two daughters to adulthood and with the current emphasis on empowering women, I find myself wondering where Proverbs 31 fits into today’s world.

I was raised by a strong woman. Mom and I had a prickly relationship. We were a lot alike, but we had many differences. She stayed home with my brother and me when we were small, then returned to college to finish her teaching degree when I was in fourth grade. For the next thirty years, she taught high school English, art, and business courses, completed her Master’s Degree, and was a great teacher-involved in the lives of her students, sponsoring various class projects, clubs, etc. including twenty-six years as cheerleader sponsor.

In our small town, there wasn’t a budget for cheerleaders, so along with the countless hours supervising practices, sign painting, taking us to camp, and driving us to football and basketball games, Mom spent Saturday mornings at car washes or driving an hour away to fill our back seat with doughnuts for the cheerleaders to sell door to door to make money to pay for camp, shoes, and uniforms. Along with making my uniforms and school clothes, more than once Mom made uniforms for one of her other cheerleaders as well. At Christmas every year, she made homemade spaghetti, the recipe of a family friend that took days to prepare, and invited all her cheerleaders over for dinner. She believed in going all out.

She was involved in community events, clubs, and our church. She believed that women should step up and be counted, stand up for what’s right, and have a voice in things. She pushed me to not only participate, but take a leadership position, do my best, and follow through on commitments. That was my mom-talented, creative, and driven.

Mom also had many strong women as friends. They shared life together, supported each other, and just had fun together. Whenever she, or they, needed anything, they knew they could call on each other any hour of the day. They were a great example of women mentoring women, all ages coming together, each at different places along the road of their lives, sharing wisdom, cheering each other on, and providing shoulders to cry on when needed. By example, Mom taught me that women thrive on connection.

Both my parents taught me in high school. My dad was head coach and taught me math and science. Mom taught me typing and accounting. Every homecoming dance, prom, school event, and most church events I attended were chaperoned or conducted by my parents. When I got to college, for the first time in my life, I was just Beverly. It was a new experience to be my own person and I made a pretty good mess of it in a lot of ways, but I graduated, did a year’s internship, and got a job. Kent and I were married and moved to Auburn. Naively, I thought the hard part of life was behind me.

Our first Christmas we were sitting on the couch exchanging gifts and I remember looking at Kent and thinking, “What have I done? Why did I marry this person?” and in all honesty, I believe he was thinking the same thing. Now, before I go any further, let me say that I love my husband deeply. We have a good marriage. But I want to be transparent enough to tell you a little of how it got that way. I want to share my story so that maybe someone else will see, “Wow, I’m not the only one. Someone else has gone through that.”

I want to share my story too, because as a woman, and as a mom, how I view Proverbs 31 has had an impact. This chapter is actually an oracle taught to a king by his mother. She’s telling him that he has a great responsibility to stay focused on his job, that the well-being of his people depends on him. She warns him that the woman he chooses as a wife will have great influence on him and that he should choose wisely. In verses 10-28, she describes the kind of woman he should look for:

• Of great value, noble in character
• Seeking to bring him good, not harm
• Talented, industrious
• Hard working, providing for her family and employees
• Able to buy and sell land and goods
• Strong and capable
• Compassionate to the needy
• Able to dress herself well
• Looking to the future and preparing for it
• A wise and knowledgeable teacher
• Someone he can love and respect

Sounds like the kind of woman that would be called empowered today.This woman would find it easy to find her identity in self and honor womanhood in all she is and does. A high standard, difficult to measure up to but worth aiming for. My mom had a lot of those characteristics and pushed me to work toward them in my own life. I thought I was on the right track, but I had hard lessons to learn. 

Fast forward. I’m curled into the fetal position on the couch. That silly romance novel line, “sobs wracked her body” is a real thing. I know, I’m there. I’ve been at home for three years with the kids. Kent isn’t entirely okay with that, his original plans had included two incomes, but here we are with a four year old and an eighteen month old. Like my parents, we’re active in church, busy in general, and by all appearances, we’re fine. We’re good at a lot of things, but also like my parents, we’re not good at marriage. The company Kent works for has changed ownership and he’s about to lose his job. He’s feeling the pressure of being the breadwinner and life at home isn’t what we’d hoped for. I’m the fixer and he’s the non-confrontational-ignore-it-and-it’ll-go-away one. I’ve been trying to talk to him once again about working on our marriage, about what I need, and once again he’s sat there with glazed eyes until I stopped talking then asked, “Are you done?” and left the room.

I remember crying until I was totally spent. Then from somewhere deep within me I cried out, “God, is it always going to be this bad? Am I always going to be this unhappy? Lord, I cannot raise my kids in this.” 

I got answers, but not right away and not what I expected.