I have been a mom for over thirteen years now and have four kiddos living in a three-bedroom house, along with two big dogs and a husband. If you think your house feels chaotic, come on by here anytime around 5 pm for some reassurance. Just like you, I spend (too much) time scrolling through social media feeds and Facebook parenting group posts. So often I see posts from first time moms or soon to be moms that make me feel like I need to do a presentation on some of the things I wish I knew ten years ago. So many worries, so little time! So mamas, scroll through, feel better about yourself, and pass it on.
- Stop giving yourself all the credit for the things your baby can do. On the flip side, stop beating yourself up and taking all the things your baby can’t do personally. Honestly, the fact that your 6-week-old sleeps through the night has much less to do with the intense wake feed sleep schedule you read about on Pinterest, and more to do with their temperament and genetic inclinations. Similarly, if your baby is 15 months old and still wakes up once or twice a night – you are not a failure. Moms, you can exhaust yourself trying to “train” your baby and take credit for it, or you can have another baby and realize oh hey, I was just lucky the first time around (or unlucky, although that is a much less likely route to #2).
- None of my kids have turned out to be the same person, despite my parenting. There are so many factors influencing who your child is/will become, so try to let some of the pressure to raise a “world changer” dissipate. I have a well-behaved child, a hard-to-contain child, a rule-follower, a screamer, a whiner, a back talker, a climber, a picky eater, a good eater, a sometimes eater, a food thrower, a slapper… Remember when I told you I had 4 kids? That’s right, some of these terms refer to the same kid! The food I ate during pregnancy likely did not contribute to (finally) getting a child that listens to directions (praise the good Lord for one). It’s too bad, I tried to eat the same things the next time and lo and behold, a different personality came out. It’s science or something. Here’s a fun activity. List out all the things that can vary from one family/household to the next. There’s no way we can control every possible influence. Kids tend to just be who they are meant to be. Which brings me to my next point:
- Don’t compare yourself to your friends, to people you see on the street or to those you follow online. Please, never even contemplate comparing yourself to people online! Who really buys that many pairs of matching pajamas for their family of 7, anyway? I know it’s easy for me to say. Partly why I’m saying it is because my own brain needs to hear it a million more times. I am the worst. Comparison steals my joy on a daily, if not hourly basis. And I’m a glutton for punishment because I seek it out every time I hop on social media. Keep in mind that the family in front of you belongs only to you. You know the ins and outs. You can attempt to improve areas that are causing stress or despair, but the point is, it’s okay to feel insane or overwhelmed or less than. It’s normal, and we’re all feeling it about some aspect of our life right now. How weird would it be to feel completely satisfied with every last detail of your life? If that were the case, first of all, you probably wouldn’t have a single child. Children are really good at challenging everything we know about everything. They sure do throw a wrench in our dreamy visions of the future. Especially when they keep breaking all our stuff. I mean, seriously. So, when you find yourself in the choke hold of comparison, I have some ideas to break free.
- Find one thing that IS going well right now and celebrate. What is something you’ve nailed today or this week? For me, I feel like we are nailing family dinners. Now, sweet friend, do not take that to mean my children sit at the table with lovely manners and eat their food. We don’t even make it through “God our Father” without someone crying or screaming, and usually no one eats what I prepare. What I mean is that we’ve prioritized eating as a family nearly every night of the week. And that’s saying something because you know, screaming and crying get real old but here we are, persevering. Every. Night. So, find your one thing. Own it, girl! Don’t take too much credit (see the above about taking credit), but just revel in that accomplishment and feel the big fat check mark deep in your soul.
- Find one thing that has been agitating you more than the other stuff lately and decide if it’s changeable. If it can’t be changed right now… well, sister you’re going to have to let that bird fly right out the window. If it can be changed, spend some time thinking about ways in which you might address it. Let me be clear, we are addressing it, not necessarily fixing it. For instance, one thing that’s been driving me a little crazy is my 15-month-old still waking up to nurse at night. I decided this is changeable and enlisted the help of my trusty partner and husband. Husband, you will wake up with L and get her back to sleep, please and thank you. We’ll see how it goes. An example of a bird out the window is the volume level in my house. Somehow, two of the quietest people I know created 4 of the loudest people I know. Sure, I yell “STOP SCREAMING!” a lot, but nothing seems to change. I have accepted that I can try to curtail the screaming, but it ain’t going anywhere. I bought myself some sound cancelling headphones and – sorry kids, what was that? He almost pinched you but didn’t but you’re still crying? I can’t help with that right now. Mamas, let those birds fly –I promise letting go of a few things (for now) can really free up your peace of mind and allow you to focus on what you can actually attend to.
- Lean into parenting “advice” that matches what you’re already doing to feel validated. What I mean is find yourself some like-minded mom friends. It can look like a Facebook group with a focus on a parenting style you embrace (or would like to), or friends from church or your neighborhood, or a local moms meet up. Read books on parenting that make sense to you and that offer advice that works for your family. Don’t try to become something you’re not, or set your family up for failure by introducing wild new routines and expectations overnight. I promise you’ll feel much less anxious about this parenting thing when you’ve found a place to share your failures and your successes without judgement. And finally, if you want to find authenticity you have to be willing to be authentic yourself. Don’t be ashamed of your struggles or the mess or the loud kids you birthed – the more open you are, the more comfortable other families will be around yours.
Hang in there, moms! You’re doing a great job!
