This month I’m celebrating 3 years as a stay-at-home mom. I always imagined I’d stay at home with my kids, like my mom did when I was growing up. When the time came, though, it was kind of unexpected. I was happily working for BigHouse Foundation, a non-profit that serves local foster and adoptive families. My husband, Ben, and I became foster parents ourselves in our second year of marriage. Our first child to come home was school age, so it was only a minor adjustment to my work schedule to accommodate him. Four months later we brought home our second child, a premature baby, who was too young for daycare, but he was able to come to work with me. At the end of that first year of parenting we adopted our oldest and decided to homeschool him. I adjusted my work schedule again, to only being in the office two days a week instead of four. A month later, we were notified that the baby we’d had for 10 months had just become a big brother and his little sister would also need a foster home. We decided to bring her home also, which was a big adjustment, and I knew it was time to give up my office job.
I found myself at home with a young teenager and two babies. Ben and I were every bit as exhausted as you imagine we would be. I started noticing “self-care” was a common theme for blogs and other articles written for parents, caregivers, and professionals. A bulk of the suggestions were for primarily solo activities such as crafting, reading, exercise, and meditation. But what about those of us who need to spend time with others to recharge? Although I was constantly in the presence of my children, it wasn’t really filling my need for social interaction. And while I did make time for naps, or solo trips to the grocery store, those weren’t giving me the energy that a conversation with a friend could. I needed to find and maximize social outlets to renew my mind and spirit. I made a list of ways I was already doing that, and how I could explore or expand on those things as a preventative for caregiver burnout. Here are some things to consider for your own self-care regimen:
Plan And Budget For Social Activities
Need a night or day out with friends? Interested in taking a class? Want to attend a family or class reunion? Make a list of upcoming opportunities or possibilities and get them on the family calendar and in the family budget. Think of yourself as your family’s employee that you need to pay with time off from responsibilities and a bit of blow money on a regular basis. Even if money is tight, find creative, low-cost ways to engage with others in ways that are meaningful to you. One of my favorite ways my friends make this happen is by hosting potlucks and pooling funds for babysitters to help with the kids so we can enjoy a couple hours of adult conversation with minimal interruptions. Pinterest is a great resource for cheap or free date night ideas to reconnect with your spouse. I follow the City of Auburn and Opelika Parks and Rec pages on Facebook for family-friendly events and activities we can attend for free or cheap.
Reframe Your Commitments As Care
For several years I sang in the church choir. I thought I was just using my gift of singing to serve the church, but in the past year I realized how much I relied on it for self-care. Going to choir rehearsal was one time a week that I wasn’t responsible for my kids, got to see friends, and enjoy group music making. It was self-care gold! Maybe as a SAHM you’ve committed to a MOPs group, or a homeschool co-op, or volunteering as a room mom for your kid’s class at school. Those are all opportunities to get out in the community, make and connect with friends, and help others while recharging your own batteries.
Build Your Village
Everyone’s heard that it “takes a village to raise a child”. Whoever coined that phrase was surely speaking to the fact that not only do kids benefit from spending time with extended family and friends, but the adults do too. Our family situation is unique (as is yours). We have kids by birth and adoption, we have kids of different races, we have a kid who lived with and loved several families before he made his way to us, Ben and I live hours away from our families of origin, we’re Christians, we’re unschoolers, we’re Millennial parents. We need people who can share and speak into our family experience through all of these different veins. We’ve accomplished that by building a hybrid physical/virtual village of like-minded people both locally and globally.
Pick Up The Phone
Parents in particular feel the weight of “screen-shaming” – both for letting our kids engage with devices and using our own. You know what? I’m not too concerned about using my phone for group texting, Facebook, reading blogs, listening to podcasts, or calling my mom, and here’s why: I remember my mom reading magazines at the table while we ate lunch, and stretching the phone cord from the kitchen to a bedroom down the hall with the door shut so she could have a conversation with a friend or her mom. My mom needed those outlets in her day. Of course she spent time reading to us, taking us places, and keeping up with cooking, cleaning, and laundry, but she also found time to do things for herself, and that made her a happier mom. So if you’re an extrovert that needs to text or call a friend to vent, or laugh, or just shoot the breeze to get you through a long day at home, pick up the phone!
Make Social Media Count
Some of my social media involvement is passive – scrolling through my feeds on Facebook and Instagram – but by interacting with friends, followers and groups, I feel connected to the outside world even when I’m at home with babies. Are you clicking through a friend’s vacation pics? Make comments as you go, like you would if they were showing them to you in a scrapbook. Are you in a Facebook group (or several)? Come out of the shadows every once in awhile to join in the discussion. Send birthday greetings, check up on your relatives with Messenger, and make your own posts and enjoy seeing the growing list of friends who like and comment.
Invite Someone Over
It’s not always easy to go places with littles. Ok, it’s rarely easy. We now have four kids under four years old. It takes me at least an hour to get everybody ready, and then typically another half-hour to get where we’re going. Often by the time we’ve arrived, I’m sweating and tired already! It’s easier to invite people to our home. It’s not fancy, there might be baskets of laundry or dishes in the sink (or still on the table), but there’s also couches, toys for the kids to play with, and I don’t have to get anyone dressed to go out. I’ve had a different friend over once a week for the past three weeks, and it’s been so refreshing to have adult conversation. I want to make this a regular part of my self-care plan.
What other ways have you found to relieve the stress of staying at home? I’d love to hear your ideas!
