“Because of her love for Kent, Beverly gives herself. Her mother and I give our blessing.” After walking me down the aisle at our wedding, these were my dad’s words as he placed my hand in Kent’s. Dad had put a lot of thought into what he wanted to say and it was his way of sending me off into the world to make my own way, cutting the ties of my childhood, and acknowledging me as an adult, free to be whatever I chose to be. This was his blessing. The blessing I needed.
When our children come into the world they are tiny, helpless, and completely dependent on us. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed the night we brought the oldest home from the hospital watching her breathe, afraid to turn out the light and go to sleep. That feeling of responsibility for her very life was overwhelming. What if we didn’t do it right? What if we didn’t do enough? What if something horrible happened?
As she got older and her brother and sister came along, there were times I thought I’d hyperventilate with worry over how to do this parenting thing. Somewhere along the way, I came to the realization that I needed to relax my grip, that as much as I wanted to always keep them safe, always make them do the right thing, I had to hold them with open arms, let them make mistakes, and trust that God loves them even more than I do, understanding that my job as a parent was to do my best to raise them to be the people He made them to be.
Kent’s been cleaning out the garage this week. In one of the boxes, I found a handout that Auburn Early Education Center gave us when one of our three started kindergarten. Along with a good article about not pushing kids to be little Einsteins by age six, there were three pages of good suggestions for raising confident responsible kids. Here are ten of them:
- Let your child know that he/she is loved and an important part of your life by talking and spending time with him/her.
- Treat your child with honesty and respect.
- Teach your children right from wrong and the value of truthfulness.
- Develop an atmosphere of love and respect. Listen to your children. Learn their likes and dislikes. Recognize that they are a person in their own right with feelings, ideas, and interests.
- Foster independence. Let them make age appropriate decisions and help them evaluate them.
- Keep your sense of humor and perspective in family life.
- Model responsible behavior. Follow through on your obligations to others and especially to your children.
- Insist on completion of chores. Resist completing tasks for them even if it’s easier in the short term.
- Try to understand the reasons for your child’s behavior.
- Allow children to experience natural consequences of their failure to follow through on obligations. Let them field the phone call when the neighbor’s yard work doesn’t get done.
There were more, but Focus on the Family’s Danny Huerta summarized them well in his June Parenting Corner:
“Parent kids based on their needs, not our neediness.
Equip rather than control.
Never project our traumas, fears, and failures onto our kids.”
Eventually, I learned with our kids to give them every opportunity to succeed, say yes as much as possible, and when I needed to say no, make sure it was for a legitimate reason and stick to it. That way “no” meant something and they weren’t constantly hearing it and learning to tune me out.
My parents didn’t always get it right, neither did Kent and I, and neither will you, but loving our kids unconditionally, admitting when we get it wrong, and encouraging them to be who they were made to be will give our children security while they are with us and confidence as they leave the safety of home to venture out on their own. The blessing we give them is ourselves.
Just like I needed the blessing from my dad, our children need it from us as well. In the book The Blessing, John Trent, Gary Smalley, and Kari Trent Stageberg explain that “Children of every age long for the gift of the blessing-the unconditional love and approval that comes from a healthy relationship with their parents.” It can seem overwhelming, but taking small steps, learning to bless our kids, and our spouse, can be the beginning of that healthy relationship that every child needs.
We survived that first night as new parents and, though we made many mistakes along the way, we made it through to watch our children go off into the world as adults. Respecting each other, addressing issues up front, forgiving, learning, and moving on have been part of blessing each other and keeping our family relationship healthy. We never take it for granted and it is always a work in progress, but with love, patience, and understanding, I pray that it will always be so.
Be safe. Be well. Be blessed.
