Dear Last Baby,
There are plenty of tasks to be done around the house today. The dishwasher needs to be started, and I have no idea if your daddy has clean socks. Your sister’s toys are strewn over every surface, and I just pulled several cheerios out of the couch. I’m covered in milk and your drool. My hair is going on day 3 of dry shampoo. I’m starting to be able to smell myself and it’s not pleasant. There are meals to plan and floors to be vacuumed and emails to send.
But, I don’t care right now.
You’re already 5 months old, and I want to hit pause because you, my sweet boy, are my last baby. Unless our Heavenly Father disagrees, your daddy and I have made the decision to not have any more biological children. I would love to fill up our home with little souls, but my body just isn’t built for lots of babies even if my heart is. This means that after you, there will be no more fresh, wrinkly newborns snoozing in my arms all day.
So, I’m just going to sit right here with you and soak you in. Your perfectly soft skin. Your sweet milk breath. Your chubby cheeks and finger dimples. I could hold you and nurse you all day long, my tiny love. This is how it is supposed to be. This is what PPD stole from me with your sister. I didn’t know I could feel like this. Sometimes when I’m staring at you, the joy and love fill my body and overflow in tears.
I can’t hold you close enough. I want to eat your fat little legs and arms. Reabsorb you into my body and keep you there forever. You’ll have to forgive me if I smother you with kisses. If I don’t let other people hold you because I want to. If I stare at you too long, or hug you too tight. If I try to keep you close to me when you want to explore.
You’ll never again be as small as you are right at this moment. Every day you’re growing a little bigger and a little more independent. I know there are some really fun stages coming and also some really hard ones, and I can’t wait to watch your personality develop.
But not yet.
For now, we’ll sit right here and cuddle because you’re still my sweet baby for a while longer.
