You Almost Broke Me

As much as I hate to admit it, you’ve been on my mind recently. I replay the moments when I thought we were real. The moments I put all of my faith in what you promised and gave everything I had to you, to us.

 

What you don’t realize and don’t care to, is that I was left picking up the pieces while you “found” yourself. What I didn’t realize, is that I discovered my true self in the process. I was pushed to my limit and somehow kept moving forward.

 

You taught me resilience.

 

In my mind, forever means forever. Promises are to be kept, relationships are hard work. One doesn’t simply “give up” when things get hard – they reflect on changes that need to be made and make them. They humble themselves and look introspectively.

 

You taught me humility.

 

There are times in life when it all comes crashing down. Nothing made sense and I pitied myself for the cards I was dealt. During these times it was a battle just to get out of bed, but we have a child and I had to provide for him. I washed off the tears, attempted to polish my look, and loved on the kid. I headed out the door and joined the rat race. One foot in front of the other.

 

You taught me fortitude.

 

In the midst of the madness I realized I can’t do it all. An eight-hour work day, with extracurricular activities on top, doesn’t make time for homemade meals every night. Grocery shopping was done on lunch breaks and “me” time was an hour at the gym. I was spent, exhausted, inconsolable. Sometimes dinner was a bowl of ice cream.

 

You taught me flexibility.

 

The lessons I learned through losing it all are countless, and I have you to thank. For years it was all about you – your career, your goals, your dreams. I supported them, I encouraged them; it was not reciprocated. I lost myself in finding you and it was as much my fault as yours.

 

The beautiful outcome of this tragedy is that I, in turn, found myself in losing you.

 

And the crazy thing is, I didn’t even know I was lost. But when you’re broken to pieces, you are given the opportunity to rebuild your life exactly as you picture it. What a gorgeous, unexpected blessing. So that’s what I did.

 

My girlfriends became my sisters. They fed my soul, my child, and my belly.  They housed and comforted me and became my shoulder to cry on. I appreciate them like never before and will always give myself to sisterhood.

 

I chased my dreams in my awakening, creating a reality based on these dreams.

 

As for a most unexpected surprise, I found love again. The person I was meant for, the person who was meant for me. If it were not for the heartbreak and the tragedy, we would have never found one another.

 

Every day I thank my lucky stars for you, because if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have our beautiful son, and because of you I know what I want and what I don’t. Because of you, I’ve created what I always wanted.

 

Perhaps you broke me, but it led to my rebirth. And for that, I am eternally grateful.