3 Ways Not to Lose Yourself in Motherhood

I don’t know about other moms, but I’ve always feared losing myself in motherhood. Maybe it’s the fact I’ve always struggled with identity issues. In the course of therapy and figuring out my mental health condition, I found I have unclear boundaries between myself and others, and this has created a problem of not knowing who I am, where I begin, or where I end. I’ve struggled with codependent relationships and defining myself by who I am to other people and am just now coming out on the other side of that struggle. In any case, I’ve been afraid I’d define myself solely as “Levi’s mom” and lose my individuality and identity in the process.

There’s a lot to lose if I do that. I’ve discovered I am many things besides being a mother. I’m creative, I’m a writer, I’m logic-based, I’m deeply emotional, I enjoy reading, I enjoy math, I enjoy theoretical physics, I enjoy learning, I love people etc. etc. There are many aspects of my being that could be lost if I were to define myself simply as “a mom.” I wonder if other moms do not struggle with this same issue, so I want to outline a few ways I’ve found to maintain and continue to develop myself, while remaining a good mom and caring for my son the best way I know how.

1. Develop and maintain good friendships. These can be your “mom friends,” of course, but make sure you ask your mom friends about their personal lives, not just about their kids. Share stories about your school days and growing up, talk about current struggles, and support each other in the nitty gritty even beyond the crazy soccer schedule and homework dilemmas.

I have a best friend I get together with every week. We do “Tuesday night tea.” Every week, I can look forward to that time, as a time when I can stop thinking about Levi’s schedule and what needs to be cleaned at home and where everyone needs to be tomorrow night, and instead just think about where my head is at and where I’m going with my week. I get to hear about my friend and her life too, which grounds me and helps me remember to care for those outside my family.

I have other friends, too, who I keep up with. I try to chat with high school and college friends every so often to keep in touch, and that gives me a wider sense of community with them being scattered around the country. Remembering there is a world outside my family helps give me perspective on my own problems and count my blessings.

2. Set aside time daily/weekly to work on things you enjoy. Speaking of asking other moms about their lives besides their children, develop a life besides your children yourself. Whether it be reading the latest book by your favorite author, watching a TV show you really enjoy, making a craft, working in the garden, or going to the gym, make sure you engage in activities that delight you. If you’re reading, make sure it’s not the latest parenting book but something you, as an individual, enjoy. If you’re watching a show, make sure it’s not “Daniel Tiger” or “Bubble Guppies” but something you find personally entertaining.

Doing something I enjoy on a daily or weekly basis has been a vital part of me maintaining my identity. Personally, I enjoy writing and reading the most. I find a little bit of time in the morning, after my son goes to daycare and before I got to work to engage in those activities, and sometimes at night, I try to do a little more of them. Writing keeps my mind engaged creatively, and reading helps me think through different moral dilemmas and come to conclusions about how I ought to handle situations in my own life.

I know it can be very difficult for stay-at-home moms to find time to do these kinds of things, as SAHM-ing is a 24-hour, 7-day-a-week job. Make sure your husband knows why you need this time, and protect the time when he is watching the kids for personal use.

3. Set goals for yourself. Whether these be New Year’s Resolutions or just goals you want to achieve within the next weeks, months, or years, goals can help you feel more accomplished as an individual outside of just being a mother and getting done with the laundry, getting your kids to dance practice, and cleaning the living room. There’s nothing wrong with the latter goals, but they repeat themselves every week and can leave you feeling bored and even helpless – you get one thing done only for the dishes to pile up in the sink again. Does it never end? Setting goals gives direction and shows progress, which can help you feel like your routine is getting you somewhere.

I have some goals for this year – I want to finish drafting my young adult four-book series. I want to finish drafting my book on a Biblical approach to coping with mental health issues and work toward publishing it. I want to write these posts for the Auburn-Opelika Moms Blog. I want to lose ten more pounds. I want to go through the things in my living room and figure out what we’re keeping and getting rid of. I want to reorganize our bookshelf. Etc. etc. These might or might not be reasonable goals, but they give me a sense of stability, like a rudder on a boat giving me direction. The mundane, everyday activities of motherhood and just life in general can get depress us and make our work feel pointless – this is not a problem unique to mothers – but setting goals and working toward them gives us a sense of purpose and momentum.

These three points are a start for maintaining and developing one’s unique character and personhood, even as a mother bogged down in the humdrum of life. Some of these things might feel a little out of reach, but for me, they have been worth it. I feel like I am a better mother when I am Lauren first. If I put “mom” as my identity, I tend to idolize my role as a mother and grow more anxious about things when something goes wrong or I make a mistake. I become too self-important, really, and think my actions have way more repercussions than they actually do. It’s not that I should take my role as a mom less seriously, though. It’s that I need to put it in perspective and remember God is ultimately the source of our stability and not me. If I focus on being Lauren, daughter of the Most High God, I become the mom God intended me to be as well. I can’t lose myself in motherhood, or I’ll lose my motherhood to worry. I have to maintain myself so that, at the end of the day, I can be everything I’m called to be.