6,205 Days Ahead

John Paul was born on April 11, 2018. That day changed my life forever. It has now been slightly over 365 days after the day of his birth and honestly, I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. 

This post is my attempt to discover what I, and all mothers out there, may feel after that first year. This is a review of the past year of John Paul’s life, my life, and our family’s life, and a reflection of the time ahead. 

365 days down and 6,205 days to go…

Until he turns 18.

Should I be happy that he’s now one, is more independent, is learning all of these new skills, and is growing beautifully into himself?

Should I feel sad that my baby is no longer a baby? 

Should I feel relieved that I’m almost done with this season of pumping? I will say that it is awfully nice that I have an easier schedule now that I’m not pumping religiously five times a day. Phew, that was a lot! 

Should I feel sorrowful that this season of life, with John Paul, is over? 

Should I feel joyous that this season of life is over? 

So many feels. So many should feels and shouldn’t feels. 

365 days down and 6,205 days to go…

Life has drastically changed this past year. It has changed multiple times throughout the year even. If you have children you know what this looks like. 

In the moment, we don’t even realize that change is occurring. Suddenly you wake up and notice that your helpless infant who was 100% reliant on you is now crawling, pulling up, feeding himself, and drinking out of a sippy cup. He is no longer that completely helpless infant. He is becoming his own person, growing into who he was created to be.

If you’re like me, in this moment you feel all the feels, and yet you feel speechless. You feel everything and yet you feel nothing. What do we call these feelings? What do we do with them? 

365 days down and 6,205 days to go…

Truly, this is a joyous time. I love seeing John Paul continue to grow and develop, and each stage of his development and growth becomes my new favorite stage. I’m sure this will continue until he gets to middle school…. what an awkward time… just kidding. 

With each change in John Paul’s development came a change in my life and our family’s life. 

Over time, I’ve gotten more and more freedom as John Paul has transitioned out of breastfeeding and bottle feeding into self-feeding. We aren’t done with this stage yet, but we are getting close. With the return of my freedom, I’ve been able to get back to my normal routine and doing some things that I enjoy to do, and I’ve had more time to devote to my business. 

Our family’s schedule has become more flexible and carefree. We worry less about having all of my pumping supplies or following John Paul’s strict feeding schedule. This flexibility has become a complete blessing. For my husband and me, it feels like we are getting back to the way life used to be before we had a family, and life is becoming what we always imagined… going on hikes, spending time outside, and going on road trips. We are sinking into a groove that is completely comfortable for us. 

And yet, as wonderful as the freedom and flexibility is, I find myself reminiscing about the past year: how wonderful, difficult, tiring, challenging, and life-changing it has been. For a moment, I miss it.

I am so grateful for the past year because it has changed me in ways that I never imagined. I have become a more patient person and a more understanding person. I am able to relate and connect more with the parents who I work with. I have become a much simpler person because I now see more and more beauty in the simple. I don’t feel bad or guilty for making the decisions in my life that are important to me. I am unapologetic about my feelings and how I live my life.

And as I reflect on my own growth this past year, I can see that I am becoming more and more into the person who I was created to be. There’s not a better feeling in this world than that. 

365 days down and 6,205 days to go…

What lies ahead is continued growth for our family. Our family, every family, will continue to grow, change, and experience new and different seasons of life. This is the beauty of life.

What truly lies ahead for me is the idea that I have 6,205 days ahead. I’ve got 6,205 days to instill in my son all of life’s lessons that I want him to have. I have 6,205 days to help him grow into the man that he will become. I have 6,205 days to help him become a contributing and positive member of society. I have 6,205 days to give him the love, encouragement, and willpower to be who he was meant to be so he can set the world on fire.

I have 6,205 days before I let him sail on his own, and I do not take any of these days lightly.

I always and will always preach that there is no greater job in society than the job of a parent.  

So for all of you mommas out there who have 6,205 days left to instill in your child all of life’s lessons, take a breath, press on, enjoy the ride, savor it, and godspeed!