I hate to be the one to tell you all this, but, being a “basic” mom just isn’t going to cut it. Now before anyone starts writing angry responses, please hear me out. I’m not talking about your pumpkin spice latte and love of fall. (for the record I’m a huge fan of both of these things) I’m talking about your needs.
When your child is first born everyone, and I mean everyone, pushes the importance of your basic needs. Your doctor, your child’s doctor, family, and all friends will be asking the same questions.
Are you sleeping?
Are you eating and staying hydrated?
Have you showered at least once in the past 3 days?
If you say no to any of these questions you are sent immediately to remedy the situation. As you should! Basic needs are vital to survival. You can’t take care of others if you haven’t satisfied these needs. Sure, you don’t FULLY satisfy them because, newborns. But you get just enough to keep you going, and for this time of your life that’s all you can do.
As time rolls on your child becomes more independent. They start sleeping longer stretches at night, they eat less frequently, and generally become easier to care for. I dislike it when someone says “it gets easier” because it doesn’t. Really it “gets different.” Some challenges are overcome only to be replaced by another. (looking at you toddler tantrums) Neverless, the ability to satisfy your basic needs becomes easier with each passing month. By the time of your child’s first birthday you are (hopefully) getting a good nights rest, you eat as they eat their table food, and you find time to shower daily.
If things are getting “easier” then why are you feeling so burnt out? I’ll tell you why, because your basic needs aren’t enough. You aren’t a robot, or some other form of artificial intelligence. Basic needs are simply maintenance. It’s your other needs that make you human.
Exercise, reading a book, watching a movie, having drinks or dinner with a friend, sleeping in on a Saturday morning, or anything you enjoy is a NEED. We were beaten over the head for so long with making sure we cover the basic needs that we forget that we need more.
Suddenly we feel guilty constantly about craving “me” time, after all your child sleeps through the night. Your friend Jessica isn’t so lucky. She’s up at least twice a night with her 2 1/2 year old. How dare you say you’re tired? You’re not. You slept 8 hours last night so don’t complain.
None of that is true! Count your blessings where you have them but don’t forget you are allowed to need more. The biggest thing I’ve noticed since my daughter hit one (she’ll be two in August) is that she feeds off my emotions. When I’m feeling burnt out and stressed, so does she. The best thing I can do in these scenarios is plan a trip to the grandparents, or go out by myself on a saturday and wander Tiger Town for a few hours (obviously pre-COVID-19).
The guilt does creep in. (Poor Jessica) but I’m working really hard on reminding myself that I’m human and I’m allowed to still be “Brittany” along with “Freya’s Mom.” Some days it’s harder than others. Some days I head out or retreat into my bedroom in pure bliss, others I’m silently cursing the long line at target because I (think) I need to get back.
Truthfully though, I don’t need to get back. My husband is perfectly capable of taking care of his own daughter. The more I think about it, I actually feel guilty for not giving him (or whoever is watching her) more credit. Do I really think I’m so superior that no one but me can care for her? I don’t, but I’m sure it comes across that way sometimes.
When I come back from my retreat, wherever it may have been, I feel completely rejuvenated. I’m excited to play yet another round of tea party. I happily settle in for the Bubble Guppies episode we’ve seen 3 times this week. It makes me a better parent.
So Moms, I challenge you to think about your needs. Are you simply keeping up the maintenance, or are you truly caring for yourself the way you should?
