Mama Don’t Play

This forced time at home with my toddler has revealed some things I didn’t know about myself. Okay, fine. Maybe deep down I knew some of them, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit it. For example, my patience under stress is really, REALLY low. I resort to bribery as a parenting strategy way too quickly. I use social media to check out when I get overwhelmed with my reality. I bake out of boredom, eat it ALL, and then sit on my couch like a sad, pregnant orangutan. I hate cooking. (I already knew that last one, but these last several months have confirmed it.) The hardest one for me to admit as a mama is this: I don’t know how to play with my toddler. 

Make all the snacks? I gotchu. 

Push her on the swing for hours? I drag a chair out there, turn on her kiddie music playlist, and push with one hand while reading books on my Kindle with the other. 

Make sure she’s clothed? Sorta. My husband has come home from work to a naked toddler butt so often that he’s just relieved when we’re not in the front yard flashing the neighbors. 

Take care of the household chores? I’m on it. Just maybe don’t go in my bathroom.

Clean up potty accidents? Gross, but whatever.  

Read books? Some of the more annoying ones may go “missing” soon, but in general, I’m down for all the book reading. 

But when it comes to just playing with her, I’m at a loss. Sure I can sing silly songs, and tickle her, and give her lots of cuddles, and have dance parties in the kitchen, but when she brings a toy to me, I’m like… ??? What exactly am I supposed to do with this? Thankfully, my daughter seems to enjoy playing by herself a good bit. She likes when I sit there and observe, but she typically doesn’t need me to join in on whatever she is playing with unless she needs help dressing a doll, putting more water in her water coloring pen, etc.

I thought for a while that there must be something wrong with me. What mama doesn’t know how to play with her kid? So I tried to play with my daughter. Then I realized something even more embarrassing. I don’t really like playing with my daughter. I like taking care of her (usually), I like reading to her, I like singing with her and making her laugh with tickles. I like hearing her chat to herself, I like watching her pull things out of her dress up box and walk around with silly hats on, and I even like watching her play with her toys, but I don’t really like getting down on the floor with her and also playing with her toys. 

Before COVID, our days were pretty structured with preschool, meals, naps, and play times. During the times when she was home, awake, and not eating, I was much more willing and likely to be doing something with her — the park, library story time, errands. Or just sitting and watching her play and occasionally talking to her about what she was doing. You might think that all this extra unstructured time with her would be an inducement for me to learn to play and to enjoy it, but nope. Instead, it’s just made me feel more guilty about not wanting to.

I thought I must just be a super lame, un-fun mom, until I remembered a conversation I had with a friend at the pool when our kids were babies. I don’t remember how it started, but I remember my friend saying very nonchalantly, “Oh, I don’t play. It’s just not my thing.” This caught me completely off guard for a few reasons. First, this particular friend is one of the most bubbly, fun, and gregarious people I know. If I was asked to pick a friend who didn’t love playing with her child, she would never even have crossed my mind. Second, I knew that this friend had gone through hell for her baby and loved him with the fiercest mama bear love imaginable. Third, you don’t hear mamas admit this, even if it’s true. Recalling this conversation gave me some relief from my guilt. I know she loves her child. I think she’s a great mom. Hearing her say this out loud didn’t make me think any less of her at all. If this wonderful mom friend of mine wasn’t into playing with her kiddo AND had the courage to admit it, I can accept the fact that it isn’t my parenting forte either. 

You may not resonate with this feeling at all. If you love playing with your kids and think I’m a nut, that’s fine. But if you’re out there wondering if you’re the only mama who enjoys being a mama, but doesn’t like the “playing” part of motherhood, you can stop wondering. You’re not alone. You’re not weird. And you’re not a bad mom. Embrace the parts of motherhood you love, and survive the parts you don’t. We’re all just doing our best.

 

Checkout the moms blog events to find ways to play with your kid, even if it’s not your thing.