Forgotten

*Disclaimer: There is never an easy way to discuss hard topics in your life. It often feels like the more you open up the more you are judged. But I believe that if we share our stories good or bad we can help others who feel like they are all alone in their struggles.  I have been a statistic too many times to add being another to my list.  I hope you in some way can benefit from the struggles I have been through even if it is just to say I am not alone.

Forgotten. Left Behind. Unappreciated.  These are all feelings that have gotten the best of me the past 6 months.  I feel guilty for feeling these things because I know I live a very blessed life.  The road to get to where I am today was hard.  I overcame an abusive childhood, a drug addiction, infertility, depression, and anxiety to now be a strong, confident, stay at home mom of 2 amazing miracles!  But every once in a while doubts creep in.  And this summer got me.  I had a terrible time adjusting to life with 2 kids.  I have never been able to pinpoint where the struggle stemmed from.  It could have been I wasn’t prepared to go back to the newborn phase, or that we had become so comfortable with our life with our daughter, or if I just wasn’t that great of a multi-tasker.  But I still haven’t gotten 100% used to it all.  The free me-time I often had with just one child has gone to the way side and self care is at an all time minimum.  And when I was at my worst, I took it all out on my husband.  The worst thing that could have happened to us did, our marriage suffered.  It is not our children’s fault it is ours.  

For a few months, he was a stranger.  Even though I woke up next to him every morning, talked to him throughout the day, had dinner together as a family, sat next to him for a few hours every night after bedtime and went to bed next to him every night, I felt like he was a stranger.  We barely had conversations, no date nights, and no weekends away kid free like we have become very much accustomed too.  We argued a lot.  But the silver lining in it all was that it wasn’t happening because we didn’t love each other it was all because of circumstance.  

My husband is an amazing man.  He started his business 17 years ago at the young age of 20.  That business is now hugely successful.  He has been celebrated for his achievements and contributions to our community.  He has a huge heart and is more concerned with making sure we have everything we need and that each of his employees can put food on their tables at home, than profit margins and bottom lines.  He gives his all everyday.  By the time he makes it home each day, his tank is almost empty. Yet, he still chooses to give his all to our kids when he gets home.  He does the bedtime routine each night while I catch up on chores or just have a minute of quiet to myself.  He runs errands for me in his downtime during the day, will take the kids or pick them up from school when needed and you can catch him at the grocery store during his lunch break just trying to help out. He has few shortcomings in life but the one that hits our marriage the hardest is he doesn’t plan time for us.  And this summer he didn’t plan anything at the time I needed it the most.  He left me feeling forgotten, left behind and unappreciated.

I am a stay at home mom.  I worked in the cosmetics industry for 10 years after college and moved back here to Auburn after we started dating.  After we were engaged to be married, I went to work with him at his business and continued to work part time until our son was born last year. It was always the plan for me to be a stay at home mom and still work for him as needed, but it just didn’t work out with two kids.  He hired my replacement and I officially went into “retirement.” My days are spent shuffling the kids to their respective preschools.  Our daughter is in Pre-Kindergarten 5 days a week and our son goes to the school at our church 2 or 3 mornings a week.  When both kids are gone I run errands, get my nails done, volunteer at a local organization for special needs adults and sometimes I just sit on the couch.  I cook dinner most every night, do all the family laundry, but most importantly I plan our lives.  Every meal, every activity, every outfit, every trip, every birthday and every family celebrations falls on my shoulders.  Even with our extended families, all holiday celebrations fall on me.  Before kids I enjoyed it, now I loath it. And with all that planning the last thing I want to do is have to plan date nights and time with my husband.  And this summer I didn’t plan anything for our marriage.  I left him feeling forgotten, left behind and unappreciated.

And to be honest, neither of us knew there was problem.  We just thought we were busy, that we were in a crazy season and that this was what having two kids was like. Until one night after my husband returned from a guys trip to the beach.  I was bitter, angry, resentful and hurt.  That feeling of being forgotten had gotten the best of me.  How could he take two guys trips this summer but plan nothing for us?  I felt he had taken for granted that I handle everything so he felt he didn’t have to.  I resented him that he could just go away for a weekend and not worry about who was going to take care of the kids or if the laundry was going to get done or what we would all eat when he got home.  And I was bitter that I was left behind to take care of the kids, one of which was sick, for a weekend alone. And after a long and I mean long conversation full of yelling, tears and anger we both realized that we felt the same way. Forgotten, left behind and unappreciated. And after much discussion, prayer and a little time with google, I determined that we are struggling with the same thing a lot of families are: The Stay at Home Mom: Working Dad Battle.  It is the unspoken conflict in households that you really don’t know is there until it blows up in your face. The good thing about our struggle is that the kids are still well loved, well fed and well taken care of.  The bad thing about our struggle is that we broke the vow we made years ago that our marriage would come first, and that was disappointing.  

So now that we know the issues and how each other feels what do we do to get our marriage back on track so we do not become another statistic in this what I like to call “divorce happy” society? It is rather simple:  We need to have appreciation for each other which is a direct result of us having empathy for each other. And the solution and the way we get to that point is to have a better understanding of each other and our roles in our family.  I want him to understand how it feels to not get to clock out from my job. I want him to understand how draining it is to feel like I have lost my identity in motherhood. I want him to understand that after doing everything for everyone that it would be nice for someone to do something nice for me.  And lastly I want him to understand that sometimes this stay at home mom gig is thankless and all the time exhausting.  And on the other side of the coin, he wants me to understand the difficulties associated with being the sole provider for our family and the stress he endures as a business owner. He wants me to understand that he is doing the best he can when he helps even if it isn’t the exact way I would have done it.  And lastly he wants me to understand that after running a business all day, delegating jobs to others, making the machine that is his business run efficiently and making big decisions that he doesn’t want to do it at home. He wants that to be my wheelhouse.  

And how do we even begin to get back on the same page?  We have to stop criticizing each other.  I am criticized mostly for my mood and demeanor.  Well, yes dear, I am not in that great of a mood because our 4 year old has sass-talked me so much since her feet hit the floor this morning, I can’t even deal with her,  our 10 month old has had to be in my arms all day, I have not eaten one thing and the TV will no longer turn to the channel our kids love the most. And he is criticized the most for his pace in life.  I can’t tell you how many times I have said to him can you move a little bit faster? We have also criticized each other for phone usage, when we each are in fact doing things that are productive.  Him answering emails and voicemails, while I am ordering groceries or menu planning.  We also have to say thank you to each other more.  We have to be more intentional with our time together.  Even if sitting on the couch binge watching New Amsterdam seems like a fantastic idea while the kids are in bed, we need to take that time to work on us and discuss our day to day lives. But the most important thing we have to do, is to realize and come to the understanding that we are not the same people we were when we got married.  We now have different roles in life and that means we have different needs.  Before kids, I would cherish a nice gift from him, a sweet email or a text.  And now I don’t want gifts, I want time together.  Before kids he cherished my home cooked meals and the little things I did for him. Now he wants conversation.  He wants my advice, my thoughts and my insights on some of his business dealings. He needs me to listen. 

So what is the lesson in all of this?  We need to have empathy.  We need to show appreciation.  We need to communicate.  We need to praise each other.  We need to not focus on the flaws in each other.  We need to come to the realization that everything around us, our kids, our marriage and that each of us are constantly changing.  And with that change we have to adapt.  Marriage is work and we took for granted all the years that it was easy. 

So now here we sit in Biloxi, MS.  The place our life together actually began.  My husband is on a work trip and even though it would have been easier for me to stay home and plan my son’s birthday party, catch up on laundry, clean house or organize the disaster that our house is, I tagged along. Because we decided once again that our marriage comes first and we want to get back to a place of happy. (And momma really really really needed a spa day!)