All marriages have their fair share of problems, and our marriage has not always been rainbows and unicorn farts. Imagine a marriage, buying your first home, 2 career changes, and a surprise pregnancy. Any one of those things alone would cause relationship stress, but we decided to do all of those things in about a 10 month span. Go big or go home right?
So, let me preface this post with I do absolutely love my husband…
But… I kind of want to punch him in the face at least 75% of the time (I do not condone domestic violence, this is just an expression. Besides his 6’3″ compared to my 5’2″, it would take too much work to swing that high). In my never ending quest for first-time mom emotional validation, I discovered that the majority of my post first baby marital gripes were quite common. Most of those annoyances centered around the division of labor and care of our son. Typical “You are not paying attention to the baby,” “How come you get to sleep and I don’t,” and many other super fun arguments.
Instead of taking the stereotypical gendered answers of “that is just how men are” and “men and women are just different,” I began the search for more explantive answers. As always, I resort to Dr. Google for suggestions when I have an issue and I came across a book with an eye catching, all-caps title of exactly what I am trying to avoid.
HOW NOT TO HATE YOUR HUSBAND AFTER KIDS by Jancee Dunn
I could have written this book myself. Part of me isn’t totally convinced that Mrs. Dunn isn’t an alter ego of mine. Former Rolling Stones writer, turned mom, turned representative who speaks about what all mothers are thinking about. Dunn interviews with world renowned marriage therapists, psychiatrists, and even a crisis negotiator in order to bring us tips and tricks to try to implement in our own homes.
Here are some of my takeaways for her book:
1. Communication (duh..)
Dunn speaks with FBI crisis negotiator, Gary Noesner, on ways to diffuse arguments. I have found that if I can pause and think, instead of exploding, most thoughts, feelings, and annoyances can be rationalized away, or at least subdued into a discussion instead of a screaming match. When you are on the receiving end of and angry tirade, try to stay calm, validate your partner’s emotions and concerns, work as a team to solve your problems. If you are in the wrong, own it. Apologize and move on to work as partners again.
2. 3 As: Affection, Appreciation, and Admiration
Okay, its confession time. I am a hot-headed, southern woman, who may have a tad bit of an anger problem, mixed with a little bit of “short man’s disease.” I have never been a warm ray of sunshine. I fall horribly short in all 3 of the As.
I often forget to show affection, because I just do not want anyone touching me after I have had a wild beast child hanging off of me all day. I fail to show appreciation because I am a cranky, grumpy, selfish person, and why would I say thank you if no one says thank you to me. Appreciation cyclical, the more that is shown the more that is received.
Lastly, admiration. I am the wife of a police officer. It is not a life I planned for myself. I married an IT guy, who came home one day to declare that he had applied to become a keeper of peace, defender of the weak, the writer of speeding tickets. As a strong independent woman, I knew I could handle the nights alone, worrying, etc. One month after accepting his job – surprise! baby is on his way – whether we are ready or not. That strong independent woman has been demolished by this little human. Demolished to the point where I am jealous of those my husband protects, for I have to protect myself when he is away. The admiration I should have for this man I love to put himself in harms way for others, goes flying out the window. Is it right? No. Am I ashamed? You bet. Add it to the long list of self improvements I need to make.
3. Healthy Moms Raise Happy Children
Self care, self care, and one more time for the people in the back SELF CARE!!!!! Self care is not just naps and trips to the spa. It is self-reflection (like my confession in the lack of 3 As), it is asking for help, sometimes is it marriage counseling, sometimes it is personal counseling, sometimes its medication. Self care is work. Being the happiest and healthiest mom you can be will rub off on your children. Dunn even shows in her research that babies, even when asleep, can pick up on negative speech and tone. I have always said I won’t argue until the kid is asleep, but that isn’t even enough. Resolutions need to be made, calm discussion need to be had, an understanding needs to be reached. Don’t ignore what your body and mind needs. You need the best version of you to raise the best thing in this world, your child.
I don’t have all the answers, and neither does this book, but to my dear husband:
I may not always like you, but I will always love you. We are a work in progress and that’s okay. We both do things wrong, but I would not choose to be on this quest for the land of rainbows and unicorn farts with anyone but you.
