I’m Fine How Are You?

Growing up southern, I learned that when someone asks, “How are you?” the expected reply is, “I’m fine how are you?” You aren’t supposed to think about it, it’s just what you say.

A friend of mine got irritated once when we overheard someone give that response. I remember her saying, “I hate it when people say that. It’s insincere.” I was puzzled at her reaction. I’d always said it too. “I’m fine how are you?” What was wrong with that?

I began to understand one October when Kent and I were expecting our second baby. We hadn’t told anyone yet, not even our parents. I don’t know why we hadn’t said anything. Maybe we just wanted to keep it our special secret for a little while. Then, the bleeding started.

At my doctor’s appointment, the atmosphere of the exam room changed as soon as I explained what was happening. A few minutes later, I was in ultrasound and it was obvious by the calm kindness of the tech that the news wasn’t good. We went home to call our parents to tell them that they’d lost the grandchild they’d never known they had. We weren’t fine.

They were upset at not being included from the start, but recovered quickly to try to comfort us. Caught off-guard and without time to think things through, they used many of those standard phrases people say at times like these, those phrases that are well-meaning and said in love but still cut deeply into hurting hearts. After that experience, we made the decision not to tell anyone else, to save ourselves from a barrage of more well-meaning but painful condolences. If anyone asked, “How are you?” we each replied, “I’m fine how are you?”

Our life was busy. Kent’s job required long hours and he traveled out of town on business often. I had lots to do at home and we both had commitments at church. We both seemed fine on the outside, but I wasn’t fine.

I regularly attended a weekly morning Bible study at our church. The members of the group ranged from young moms like me who were new to Bible study and parenting to great grandmothers who had been studying together for years and were a wealth of information on everything from raising kids to the meaning of life. Our meetings always started off by going around the circle for each person to share needs and concerns, the understanding being that “What’s said in this room stays in this room,” making it a safe space to open up. Once everyone had a turn, we’d pray for each other. 

One particular morning a few weeks after my miscarriage, Kent was gone for the week. I listened as each person shared. By the time my turn came I realized I needed to tell my story. My heart was breaking and no one knew, no one understood. It all spilled out.

That group of women got up, put their arms around me, cried with me, prayed for me, loved on me, and they told me their stories. Many of them had been through the same thing. They understood. When I left Bible study that morning, a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. After all those tears and hugs and prayers, I began to heal. I was still sad inside, and it was still difficult to watch several friends, pregnant around the same time as me, finish their pregnancies with healthy babies, but they knew about my pain and they cared about me, and that helped me be joyful with them.

“I’m fine how are you?” is a good thing in that it teaches us not to go around like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh, always glum and dumping our disappointments on every unsuspecting person who politely inquires as to our well-being. But, it can be a bad thing if we hide behind it when we really need to open up in an appropriate setting and get the help and support we need.

In Anne of Green Gables, Anne Shirley is an orphan staying with Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert “on trial” for adoption. Marilla misplaces a treasured broach and accuses Anne of stealing it. Anne denies taking the broach, but Marilla doesn’t believe her and forbids Anne from going to the Sunday School picnic, confining Anne to her room and informing her that they are sending her back to the orphanage. When Marilla discovers the broach pinned to her own shawl, she realizes Anne’s innocence and allows her to go to the picnic. Upon being introduced to Reverend Allen and his wife, Anne is asked, “How are you?” to which Anne replies, “Well in body, but considerably rumpled in spirit,”  after which she goes on to have a wonderful time at the picnic.

I love Anne’s honesty. She doesn’t pretend she’s fine, she doesn’t wallow in self-pity, she simply tells the truth. I’ve adopted Anne’s attitude. When someone asks me, “How are you?” If things are fine, I give the standard, “I’m fine how are you?” But if they aren’t, I’ve been known to give the same answer as Anne. Reactions have been varied, depending on how well the person knows me and whether they’ve seen the movie or read the books. Overall, it’s given me a chance to explain, if appropriate, or just say that things aren’t great at the moment but I have every hope that they will improve. In any case, it provides an opportunity to laugh and laughter can help brighten an otherwise dark day.

2020 has been hard. The trauma of dealing with a pandemic and all its fallout and the sharp divisions in our country and our world, all added to hurricanes, tornadoes, wildfires, and losing loved ones without even the ability to gather to mourn, has taken a toll on all of us. After months of stress, we’re all going through various stages of grief. I keep coming back to what Mrs. Ruth Tussey (one of those ladies in that Bible study) said to me years ago, “You never know what the person sitting next to you is going through.”

We need each other. We need to be there for each other. And when we ask, “How are you?” we need to really care about how the other person is doing. I want to do better at that. I can’t fix 2020, but I can be kind to the other people going through it with me. And I can be honest myself when I need help. Maybe that’s a start.

Be safe. Be well. Be blessed. 

Anne of Green Gables Based on the novel by Lucy Maud Montgomery, A Kevin Sullivan Production, 2002 Sullivan Entertainment