Mommy Gets Scared Too:: First Day of Kindergarten

 

I prepare a breakfast of muffins, bacon, and eggs- all her favorites.  Most mornings are cereal or a breakfast bar as we hurriedly head out the door, but today is different.  

 

As the muffins cool, I walk down the hallway into her bedroom to find her stirring around as if she is awakening.  I take note of the bright unicorn shirt, stiff long denim shorts, and glittery tennis shoes- all brand new, that we laid out the night before.  I lean over to gently wake her and do my best to seem upbeat despite the butterflies in my stomach as I tell her “good morning” and I encourage her to get up.  

 

Shortly after, I sit with her at the kitchen table as she eats her breakfast, but I don’t think I can eat.  I try to calmly ask her if she is excited to which she exuberantly nods yes.  There’s my reassurance, that all nerves are on me this morning. That’s my girl.

 

After breakfast, washing her face, and brushing her teeth, it’s time for clothes.  I give her time to change before checking to see if she needs help with her hair.  She tells me she does and asks for “an Elsa braid” so I sit on her floor and begin brushing out her hair.  I talk to her about how I will walk her in, but then I will have to leave and ask her if she is going to be OK.  She assures me she will be because she is excited to see the girl with the rainbow glasses named Sophia she had met at kindergarten camp weeks ago.  She asks me to remind her of her teacher’s name again and I do.  She seems only the smallest bit anxious for the day which is great considering how I feel inside.

 

Dressed her best, all hairs in place, and well-fed she grabs her brand new book-bag, the bag she spent what seemed like hours debating on before she found the perfect one.  We head to the car where I think I glance a moment of hesitation before she climbs in and buckles up.  Just for a moment though- her nerves are better than mommy’s.

 

We make the short drive to her new school- the big school she has been affectionately calling it.  Just for today, we park in the parking lot and I grab her hand as she climbs out of the car.  She looks up at me with those clear blue eyes and admits that she is scared.  I lean over to get more on her level and look into her eyes as I hold back my tears and assure it that it is going to be just fine.  She will learn so many new things and meet so many new people, people that she will be building long term relationships with.  I explain that this is a good thing and it means she is growing up.  I leave a kiss on her palm and tell her to hold on to it all day if she gets scared.  She smiles up at me and returns the favor with a kiss in my hand.  She then grabs my hand and starts walking toward the open doors for the first time as a kindergartner.

 

What she doesn’t know, what she won’t understand until she is one day in my shoes, is how much I needed that kiss today.  I needed the reassuring smile from her showing me that it was all going to be OK.  It helped to see her confidence walking into the doors of the big school.  I needed to know that this big step and change in her world was going to be OK because mommy gets scared too.