One Of These Mothers Is Not Like The Other: Sexual Abuse Survivor, Pregnancy, Parenting, and Beyond

My name is Alecia Jameson. I have a husband, a wonderful son, and a home. I am well-educated and have a career that I am proud of. What I do not have is memories of a great childhood. 

I preface this post with a warning that the subject matter may uncomfortable, and possibly even more so to abuse survivors. While I do not intent to dive into vivid detail of my abuse, it is important to reference it to help those who may not understand the fears and hardships that come with being a survivor and a parent. With pregnancy and parenting, mothers lose control over our bodies. Autonomy over our bodies is essential to abuse survivors. I had a hard time, and still do, in dealing with that loss of control. One small blog post is not enough to tell my story of my life, nor is this my intention with this post. This post is for the partner who may not understand, the healthcare practitioner who may not recognize the significance, and the friend who wants to be supportive but does not know how. Most of all, this post is for the survivor parent, for you are not alone. 

The Short Story of My Long History

This poorly lit Wal-Mart portrait of a bushy eyebrowed, crooked tooth smiling, mom cut my bangs, little girl is me. It is around 1992-93 and I am 5 years old. While this appears to be seemingly normal picture of an early 90s child, my abuse was just beginning. From ages 5 until 10, I would be molested by my step-father an unmeasurable number of times. After, what I can only assume, aging out of preference, I would continue to suffer mental and verbal abuse, both from him and my mother, until I escaped to college. There, after a bout of severe depression, I took advantage of the free on-campus counseling. For the first time, I was getting a grip on my mental health. I broke the unhealthy ties to my parents. I found a therapist who was the right fit for me, and got on the depression and anxiety medicine that I needed. Fast forward to 2015, I am married and have been in and out of therapy for about 6 years. While I was light years ahead of where I use to be, I still had emotional ups and downs. Physical and hormonal issues prevented me from using traditional forms of birth control, and one miscalculation on my calendar and my baby boy was on his way. Along with the standard “first timer” fears, I encountered a whole new realm of fear and anxiety that transformed my pregnancy and birth story into anything but easy.

Dealing with Doctors

I had my fair share of vaginal exams due to some nerve damage from the trauma. I always made sure to tell every physician I have ever come in contact with about my history. When I became pregnant, I realized that this number was about to quadruple. I made sure to tell every OB/GYN that I came into contact with that I needed detailed explanations as to how and why they are examining me. It was easier for me to rationalize what was happening if I had an understanding of why. I had also decided that I wanted a natural birth and stressed this at every visit as well. I spent several weeks studying about what my body would go through during labor and how to cope. Again, this gave me a sense of control. If I knew what was happening with my body, I would be okay. At 40 weeks and 3 days, I arrived at a local OB/GYN office for my past due date visit. My husband had to work this day, so I took the doctors trip solo. After all this would be one of my last visits and I knew what to expect by now. Upon arrival, I, again, stressed my desire for natural birth and not to be induced unless medically necessary. This day my cervical check was more painful than in any other visits. I was so sure that I must be dilated and my baby would be here any day. I sat up after the exam was complete and was told that he “stripped my membranes” to start labor and to be back on Monday so we can talk about when to induce if that did not jumpstart my labor. While stripping membranes to induce labor is a common practice, it was something that I did not want. I was not asked and, because of my trauma, I felt that loss of control. Though I am sure any woman, regardless of traumatic past or not, would feel this way. I was so upset that I could not say anything to the physician. I just needed out. I felt panicky, and unsafe there. That is not a feeling you want to have about the physician who is set to deliver the most precious thing to you. The trust was lost. Because of this stress, I spent my first night unable to sleep, and the next day went into labor. My exhaustion from lack of sleep, and my lack of trust in my physicians, made birthing experience more stressful than what it should have been. I ended up having a c-section, while the fact that my son was 10 lbs. 2 oz. contributed to this, I can’t help but think that the exhaustion and stress were also a factor.

So given my experience here is my advice:

• You may not want to, but it is important to tell your medical staff your history. While my OB/GYN staff may have ignored this, my delivery staff was very aware and attentive. They made every attempt to limit their physical interaction with me unless needed or requested.
• DOCTORS, LISTEN TO YOUR PATIENTS!! Do no harm includes mental harm as well. Something as insignificant as talking your way through an exam may not mean much to you, but that sense of comfort in an uncomfortable situation means the world to someone like me. 
• Partners, support the mother. Be aware of things that make her uncomfortable, be that protector she will need in on of her most vulnerable times. 
• Survivors, communicate with your partner. Tell them what scares you, what triggers you. It can be hard to create a safe space in a clinical setting, make your partner that safe space.

Bringing Home Baby

While most first time mothers fear labor and the actually birthing process, my worst fear was actually bringing my baby home. I had fears that I felt that I could not express to anyone. The biggest two were breastfeeding and diaper changes. Even now, it’s hard for me to type out my fear. It is such an uncommon thing to hear about but these fears are very real for sexual abuse survivors. I was over-sexualized during some of the formative years of my cognitive development, and there are some things that I just cannot handle.

Breastfeeding

While not every survivor has this issue, I just could not wrap my head around my son being attached to my breast. I know it is a natural biological design of the female body. I was just incapable of shutting off the panicky, stomach sinking feeling of trying to breastfeed. I finally made the ultimate decision to exclusively pump breast milk for my son. Hospitals are notorious for pushing breastfeeding, so upon arrival, I made sure the nurses knew that I had sexual trauma and I had already choosen not to breastfeed. To my surprise, the lactation nurse was very understanding, immediately rolling in the hospital breast pump so I can starting pumping to feed my son. While it was not easy to say, it was easier in the end to be upfront and honest with the hospital staff as to protect myself emotionally. I did the best I could do for my son, and the most important thing was that he had a mentally healthy mom to bond with, instead of someone trying to force themselves past a distressing situation. In the end, we had to make the switch to formula. I had  remind myself that I did the best I could, and this was okay. Know your limits momma, its okay if you cannot tolerate breastfeeding. Healthy moms raise healthy kids.

Diaper Changes

I realized that with changing diapers that I would have to eventually touch my son’s genitals. That terrified me. It was an irrational fear, but it was a very strong and very real fear. Fortunately, after the first few diapers I was okay with it. It managed to click in my head that this was a form of care and not a form of abuse. I am lucky I was able to rationalize my thoughts, but not everyone is able to do that. I do believe that it helped that I had a son. If I would have had a daughter, I fear that things would have been harder, especially for my husband. My husband would never ever hurt a child, but even when I see fathers with their daughters now, I am always hyperaware. How would I react daily to that? Again, it may be irrational, but to me it was real. If I were to decide to have another child, and that baby was a girl, I hope that I can rationalize the same way and all will be well. 

Always a Work In Progress

Every person, every mother, is different. Whether she is an abuse survivor or not. I will always be a work in progress and that is okay. I do not have all of the answers, only the ability to share what helped me. To close here are my suggestions for the sexual abuse survivor mother:

• Know your limits: If you cannot do something, or if something makes you uncomfortable, speak up. Say no. You have the power now. 
• Know your body: I believe the biggest help during my pregnancy and labor, and the loss of my autonomy over my body, was knowing what was happening to my body. I was fortunate enough to have a great birthing coach. Being educated about what I was experiencing and why helped me rationalize things out.
• Know your tribe: While we all may not want to talk about our stories, it is important to tell a select few in my opinion. During labor I had my husband and a close friend. Both knew my history, both were ready to defend me should I become uncomfortable. I created a safe space not from an area, but from people. My safe space surrounded me and gave me confidence to bring my son into this world. 

Thank you for reading my story. If you are a sexual abuse survivor and feel that you need help, I strongly encourage you to seek out therapy. A well educated therapist will help you sort out your thoughts and fears. There are also several other resources out there such as support groups, books, and other survivor mothers like me. I am here for you.

Stay strong Momma, afterall you are a survivor.