Consider you are out to eat with friends. You go with a group of 8 ladies to have a nice night out. You find yourself laughing at each other’s jokes and enjoying the events of the day. It’s April 1st and you are telling stories of pranks and jokes you encountered. Suddenly, a friend of yours proclaims they are pregnant! Congratulations are in order and everyone is joyful, only to find out it is an April Fools’ joke. You sit there faking a smile wondering how in the world your friends might consider this a funny prank. You are a part of the 1 in 8 couples who struggle with infertility.
While this may be a hypothetical situation, chances are, you probably know someone who has not had children due to infertility issues – someone who has had a miscarriage – someone who has lost a child – someone who is suffering with guilt from a past decision to end their child’s life. It is such a sensitive subject that many who struggle with it don’t want to discuss it because of shame, or fear, or a number of other emotions. Many friends don’t seem to talk about these struggles openly and to them it can feel like something is wrong with them.
How do I know this?
I am a part of the 1 in 8 couples who struggle with infertility. I struggled for years to have children and was told I may never be able to bear my own child. I remember every Mother’s Day, every holiday, every birthday, every major life event felt empty and sad. It felt wrong that everyone else could celebrate and I just couldn’t. Every time a friend announced their pregnancy, I would try hard to find the words to express happiness for them. To be honest, I was very happy for them, but also had feelings of jealousy, longing, and sadness. I didn’t know how many people around me struggled with the same issue or something very similar because NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. I wanted so badly to be able to have joy and gladness and celebrate the gift of life, but negative emotions came up every time someone talked about children. It was hard every. single. day. I felt alone in my struggle.
Then one day, someone faked a pregnancy on April Fools’ Day. It was the day my perspective completely changed. A friend of mine shared how much it hurt to see someone joke about pregnancy and she opened up about her struggles. It was hard to listen to, but it felt good not to be alone anymore. Because she shared something real with me, I felt a real connection with her and finally understood I wasn’t alone.
God, the creator of the Universe, the ruler over all, created man with a purpose. He created us to be fruitful and multiply. To love our neighbors. To share joy and gladness with everyone. To bear one another’s burdens and lift one another up. Before this April Fools’ situation, I couldn’t see how making a joke of pregnancy could ever dishonor God or cause harm. What I found out from my friend in this hurtful situation, is that our struggles connect us to each other. The joke was hurtful, but it gave her an opportunity to share her struggles with me.
Struggles like these help us to see our need of love and our need of a Savior. No matter what someone’s life looks like on the outside, no one can be perfect. That is why Jesus came to save us from our sins and the struggles of this world. He became man because He is the only perfect one who is capable of meeting us in our struggles and lifting us out. He conquered death and stood in our place so we can be whole. So we can have life eternally. However, so often we don’t share our struggles and our sins and we end up being hurtful instead of helpful. Just imagine what a world it would be if we listened carefully and loved one another, struggles and all. Maybe we wouldn’t have distasteful April Fools’ Jokes that inadvertently hurt our friends.
It is because of my journey that I want to bring awareness to topics of infertility, infant loss, miscarriage, and even those struggling with guilt over past decisions such as abortion. These topics are not often discussed openly. When a topic like this is not discussed, it gets overlooked and many of us don’t quite understand or fully realize that these are real struggles that many people in our lives deal with every day.
I have a friend who has had a few different miscarriages and I asked her one day how she was doing. She was honest and shared that she feels alone. She said that answering simple questions can sometimes prove to be difficult. When asked how many children she has, she often suppresses the urge to explain she has 5 children, 2 of which never got to breathe the breath of life. I can assure you that she is not alone in this struggle, even though she feels lonely. It doesn’t have to be this way. We can share our struggles and bring awareness to our hurts and pains. We can talk about them with our friends. We can live in a world where we are kind and loving to one another.
It is not our job as a society to tip toe around every topic to keep from hurting someone’s feelings, but what if we truly got to know one another and talked about the hard topics. What if we were so invested in the lives of others that we thought twice about making an April Fools’ Joke about being pregnant, because we didn’t want to cause additional hurt to our friend who had just gone through a very tough time. I’m not saying we can avoid hurt feelings altogether, but I do think we can become a more loving community to those around us by truly listening and loving others.
If we get to know who our friends truly are, struggles and all, we will gain more than we could have ever imagined. We can learn from the pains of others and find new ways to bring joy to their lives. We can gain deep and lasting relationships, and that is no joke.
