“Mom?”
“Yeah?”
“What happens to kids who do something wrong?”
“They get in trouble.”
“Oh. What kind of trouble?”
“Depends on what they did. Time out, or maybe not get to do something they want to do.”
“What if they did something really wrong?”
“Like how wrong? What kind of thing are we talking about?”
“I don’t know. Like really really wrong.”
“Hmm. Well, I guess it depends on what they did.”
“Can kids get sent to jail?”
“Whoa, What’s the matter, Sweetie? Is there something you want to talk about?”
“No. Just wondering.”
“Okay, but, you know you can talk to me. I love you more than anything.”
“I know…Mom?”
“Yeah?”
“DO kids ever get put in jail?”
Little conversations like this went on for a couple of months. We tried to gently prod him to talk about what was bothering him. I wondered if he’d done something, seen something, or heard something, either in real life or on television, but he’d only say he was just wondering and would never go any further. Before he fell asleep at night, or at odd moments during the day, he’d ask the same questions. I pondered what could be going on in his five year old mind that had him so concerned. In the meantime, while we waited for the truth to surface, the best we could do was to keep our eyes and ears open and give him lots of hugs.
I’ve read that, on average, a child’s conscience is beginning to form by the time they’re around seven years old. Wanting to guide our kids to be honest and have integrity are worthy goals, but in the parenting trenches, it’s a daunting task. Now, watching our son raise his own children, I look back on how we raised him with the benefit of hindsight and a few things strike me as important.
- Little hearts are tender and our kids want to please us. Teaching them to be honest is in large part about being consistent ourselves. “We’ll do that later,” “You can have one next time,” “I’ll take you there sometime,” little things we say, often hoping they’ll forget, have an impact. If we don’t follow through, if we make excuses when “next time” rolls around, those things said to appease them in the moment wear away our credibility and unknowingly lead them to do the same.
- Preparing them for the unpleasant things in life is part of our responsibility as a parent and honesty plays a part in how they learn to handle things that might be uncomfortable. Our oldest’s first experience at Kindergarten Open House included the health nurse being there to give the final immunizations for school attendance, a fact we neglected to mention beforehand. Big mistake. We learned from then on to make a point of preparing the kids in advance for similar circumstances, while treating it as the normal part of life that it is. We started explaining where we were going, what was going to happen, and being honest if pain would be involved. As a result, she actually learned to enjoy going to the doctor and we often had to decide if she was really sick or just wanted to come home from school. Simply telling the kids ahead of time, allowing them to know what to expect, taught them to trust us. No bribes, just a matter of fact. It worked.
- Leaving them for a period of time in the church nursery or with a sitter is another area where honesty is important. We learned to make a point of telling them before we left, not trying to slip out unnoticed. They might not want us to go, but they learned over time that we always came back to get them, and they learned to accept the time apart-even enjoy it. It was not always pleasant, our youngest had to be pried sobbing off my leg on more than one occasion, but in the long run, it was best for everyone. Again, trust was built over time, and consistency, always letting them see us leave, paid off.
In the movie, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” the sheriff is urging Atticus to conceal some of the facts about Bob Ewell’s death in order to protect someone. Atticus, played by Gregory Peck, says, “If this thing is hushed up, it’ll be a simple denial to Jem of the way I’ve tried to raise him…Before Jem looks at anyone else, he looks at me and I’ve tried to live so I can look squarely back at him. If I connived at something like this, frankly I couldn’t meet his eye, and the day I can’t do that, I’ll know I’ve lost him. I don’t want to lose him and Scout because they’re all I’ve got.” As a parent, this truth is a sobering reality. Our kids need us to have integrity, be trustworthy as we guide them to adulthood. They need to know we aren’t asking them to “Do as I say, not as I do.” Honesty is built on a foundation of trust, and we are their first models. Being honest with them, even when we mess up, is important.
As for our five year old offender, one day, out of the blue, he confessed. He’d found a penny on the floor while we were touring a friend’s new house, picked it up, put it in his pocket, and brought it home. He knew taking something that didn’t belong to him was wrong and it had been eating away at him. With all the agony it had caused, I realized this was a pivotal moment in his life and the fact that it was only a penny was not an issue. I called the friend, explained the situation, and told the thief that it was time to ‘fess up.
My friend was great. She listened attentively while he told her what he had done, and with fear and trembling gave it back, asking her to forgive him. She then told him that she appreciated his honesty and the bravery he’d shown in coming to her to tell the truth. And she forgave him. The weight of the world lifted off his shoulders and he was a new man, carefree and ready to turn over a new leaf. It was a wonderful lesson.
Parenting was, and still is, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But those munchkin faces on their pillows each night made it worth all the times I had to dig down deep and do the right thing no matter how much easier a shortcut would have been. My best advice? Keep on doing the best thing, the hard thing, the right thing, and hang in there, it’s totally worth it.
scholastic.com/parents/family-life/social-emotional-learning/development-milestones/age-reason.html
(1962) To Kill A Mockingbird, Pakula-Mulligan, Brentwood Production Picture, A Universal Release, Based on the novel by Harper Lee, “To Kill A Mockingbird”
