Breast Isn’t Always Best

Before I start this post, I want to say that I know the title has already angered a few readers. Some of you perhaps clicked on this post for the sole purpose of arguing in favor of breastfeeding. Before you do, let me go ahead and save you some time and brain power. I’m a huge proponent of breastfeeding! It was my plan not only to breastfeed my child, but to breastfeed until her first birthday

In order to achieve these goals, I did my homework. I read countless articles on breastfeeding techniques. I got a pump, special breast ice packs, nipple cream, and breast pads. I attended the free breastfeeding class at East Alabama Medical Center. I was determined.

Sadly, breastfeeding didn’t work out. I was always slightly nervous about the idea of breastfeeding. Without giving you too many personal details, I will tell you that I have always had fibrous and cystic tissue, which leads to sensitivity and pain. I realized that for me breastfeeding might be uncomfortable, but I wanted to do what was best for my baby. All I heard from the minute that second line appeared on my home pregnancy test was, “Breast Is Best.”

Fast forward with me to August of 2018, when my daughter was born. One nipple shield and an extra pair of hands to help me position her later, we were rocking it. I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed breastfeeding my child. There was something so satisfying about taking her out of the arms of whoever had her and going to the bedroom for some alone time. I wasn’t just important to my baby, I was vital to her survival. When I put her to the breast, she would do this hilarious thing where her eyes got really wide and she’d shake her head back and forth panting. It made me laugh every time I fed her.

Then, when my daughter turned 3 weeks old things changed. Suddenly, she wasn’t panting for milk, she was screaming. I would frantically feed her. She would get “milk drunk,” as people like to call it, and I would sigh with relief. I would place her on my chest where she would burp and peacefully snooze for all of 5-10 minutes. Then, the screaming would start. I was feeding her every hour and other than those few moments of peace she was doing nothing but screaming. My husband would come home to us both crying hysterically on the couch. I had clogged milk ducks and cracked nipples. I was miserable.

When she would finally sleep some, I scoured the internet looking for help. I googled every kind of phrase I could think of to describe what my baby was going through. All I saw was “You don’t need to sleep or eat or shower. You only need to take care of your baby.” “You have to tough it out.” “Remember, Breast is best.” Instantly, I felt like a terrible mother for even considering the alternative.

After about two weeks of this, I had an appointment with my OB/GYN to check my healing process. My mom came with me to help care for the baby. I fed her before we left and my mom gave her a 4-ounce bottle that I had pumped in case she got hungry while I was with my doctor. My daughter continuously screamed and cried for more food. I cried to the Nurse Practitioner. I finally admitted the way I had been feeling. I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression and prescribed medication to help. Next, we went to see our pediatrician.

Once we got there, I broke down once again. I told him about her endless crying. I told him how sometimes I wanted to get in the car and drive away, never looking back. I finally admitted that every time I heard her cry, I would cringe and tear up at the thought of feeding her AGAIN. He gently told me that formula was an option.

After leaving the pediatrician’s office, we went to Target and I bought my first can of formula. We went home and I mixed a bottle. My daughter gave me a “what’s this?!” look the first time I gave her a bottle instead of the breast but she quickly drank the milk down, and then my daughter slept for 3 hours straight.  We haven’t looked back since.

See the funny thing is, everyone in my real life was incredibly supportive of formula. My husband, my parents, my friends, and the pediatrician all told me time and time again that they wouldn’t think less of me for going that route. My mom continuously warned me that she had dealt with the same issues when I was a baby and ultimately, I needed more milk than she could provide. The only people judging me were the faceless internet sancti-mommies and myself.

Allowing myself to stop breastfeeding did wonders for me. While the Post-Partum Depression didn’t disappear, it improved. I started to enjoy my daughter again and wouldn’t you know, I even started to smile and laugh occasionally.

Breast feeding is beautiful. There are still times, even 6 months later, that I wish it was something we still did. The bonding during the good times is something I will never forget and will cherish forever. But, they are just fond memories and I needed to move on.

To those of you who have breastfed your children, whether it was for 1 day or 1 year, I commend you. I know the sacrifices you have made and it’s a wonderful thing you’ve done for your baby.

To the mother who formula feeds, I commend you too. You saw a need in your child and you filled it the best way you could. A few months after I started formula feeding, I realized that through all my internet searching and forum reading, what I was really looking for was someone to tell me I had tried my best and formula was a great option. I never found that.

So, for all of you who find yourself in the situation I was in, here it is. Formula is a great option. Breast isn’t always best. I have never met a mother who said, “You know I heard breast milk is best for a baby so I thought, nah.” That doesn’t happen.  If you decide to use formula you have a reason, and let me be absolutely clear on this, whatever your reason is? IT.IS.VALID.

Do you hear me? Maybe you’re like me and something about your breastmilk isn’t working for you baby. Maybe you’re a working mother and the pumping schedule is too demanding and stressful. Or, maybe you simply don’t like it. It doesn’t matter.

Your physical well-being and your mental health are important. Your relationship with and the health and happiness of your baby is more important than where their milk comes from. When it hinders your child’s or your happiness, breast isn’t best.

Whether you nurse, feed pumped milk, or choose formula, you are a great mom. You are feeding your baby and that’s wonderful.