I used to have these fantasies of what marriage would look like. In all honesty, what little girl doesn’t? We imagine this white picket fence, the family dog, 2.5 kids. I remember thinking “If I can just meet ‘the guy’ then my life will be so much better.” I truly thought once I got married, there’d be no more heartache, disappointment, or anxiety that comes along with all of those relationships I felt like I spent years sifting through. I was lucky enough to meet ‘the guy’ at 19, and have the fairy tale wedding at 23, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past 8 years, it’s that even the best of marriages aren’t all rainbows and unicorns.
One detail I most looked forward to, as I pictured my adult life, was spending the evenings with my imaginary husband after putting our imaginary kids to bed every night. Never would I have envisioned that this seemingly small thing would be one of the sacrifices we would have to make as a family. My husband and I spend a little over one third of the year NOT enjoying quiet evenings at home because this is the life we both chose. The man I’m married to is a husband, a father, a friend, a brother, a son, and a first responder. I’m the proud wife of a firefighter.
It’s easy to focus on the negatives of him being gone. I found I used to dread those shift days that he would work. I would live for the two or three days we got to spend together in the interim. As soon as he walked out the door, all of the old familiar emotions would come swimming back: loneliness, sadness, and anxiety. I used to worry every time he left what he would possibly face that day on shift. I realized pretty early on that I didn’t have to be alone in my stress and anxiety. I started reaching out to other wives of first responders. Two of my closest friends are married to police officers. I found that discussing my fears with them helped ease my mind at least until he walked back through the door again.
Not surprisingly, adding two children to our family over the past three years hasn’t exactly helped calm these emotions I experience, but it has helped evolve them into something new. I no longer feel lonely on my days that I’m here without him. I have a very chatty toddler with a high energy level to wear out and a newborn to nurse around the clock. It’s not just about filling the silence, though. I could easily do that prior to children – usually by kicking up my feet and catching up on episodes of The Bachelor with a glass of wine. Now, these days when he’s gone, I focus on what it’s like to be the sole provider for these two small, dependent humans.
I spend these days that he is working “solo mom-ing.” I won’t compare it to being a single parent (the most props to those who can raise their village by themselves) because it truly isn’t. I know in the back of my mind (and every two weeks on pay day), that my husband is away to provide for our family and that he’s going to come back within 24-48 hours. Most mornings after he has worked two or three days straight, sometimes running multiple calls a night, he comes home to me, a hot mess mom standing in a very messy kitchen with a baby on my hip and a toddler crying because I gave her milk in the wrong cup. I’m lucky enough to have a man that steps right in, takes the toddler and the baby so I can go to the bathroom alone for the first time in days and have a moment or two to myself. Even for those 90 seconds of silence and tranquility, I couldn’t be more grateful.
Other wives of first responders or partners who work out of town frequently know that there’s two different routines – one with Dad, and one in Dad’s absence. It can take a long time to figure out the rhythm of how this affects you and your kids (even the dogs seem confused at times), but it does eventually get easier. I find it’s slightly more difficult to commit to simple things like doctors’ appointments, Orange Theory classes, a nice long run, even meeting up with friends for playdates when your husband’s schedule is so all over the place, but this is our life.
In many ways, my marriage is exactly how I fantasized it would be. I’m married to my best friend, we have two wonderful children, three cute dogs, a nice house in suburbia. But in some ways, it is nothing like I imagined. (I mean I drive a mini-van!) I didn’t really expect to have to battle things like strep throat, school programs, bedtime routines by myself frequently but here we are. This is the life as the wife of a first responder. I know these days are hard on me, but without a doubt they are harder on him. It’s proven by every time he comes home, he’s convinced both of the kids have grown. There are a little over 6,500 days in an 18 year period and my husband will be gone for approximately 2,600 of them. It’s up to us to make the remaining 3,900 days count… Starting today.
