I didn’t want to have my baby. 
This is something that would sound shocking for anyone who knows me personally. My pregnancy was a surprise, but my husband and I knew that we wanted kids. We just weren’t really planning on it yet, but then again, that’s the case for most families.
Pregnancy was an incredible experience for me. Granted, we did have an unexpected diagnosis in utero that would mean Liam would require surgery just a few days after birth, but aside from that the fetus and I were both healthy.
I found each stage of pregnancy to be wonderful and beautiful. I discovered a new love and appreciation for my body that I had never once experienced before. I mean, I was growing an entire human right there under my belly button and, in a nutshell, all I needed to do was continue maintaining my body through diet and exercise. My pregnancy was fascinating and empowering for me.
As my due date grew closer though, reality began to set in. I started counting down all of our “last moments.” As my husband and I would snuggle up on the couch to binge watch a show, I couldn’t help but think, “these days are numbered.” When we would sleep late on the weekends, I kept reminding myself, “these are your last few mornings to sleep late.”
“This could be the last time we go to our favorite restaurant alone.”
“This is our last summer where we can do whatever we want.”
“These are some of the last nights we have to just go out whenever we want.”
I became so wrapped up in my “last moments” thoughts, that I didn’t want to do things with our friends, because I wanted to soak up every last moment, I would have with just my husband. I didn’t want to share our time with anyone.
When I reached the last two weeks of my pregnancy, I started to realize what was going on. All of these thoughts I was having must mean I didn’t want to have a baby. So as everyone kept asking me about how excited I must be for our baby to come, I would grin and pretend that I was totally on board. Secretly, I was hoping to stay 38 weeks pregnant for the rest of my life.
I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so emotionally unprepared for a baby, so all I could do was hope and pray that when Liam arrived the whole “you’ll fall in love the moment you see him,” thing would actually happen.
Now I may sound like a cold-hearted mother, but I didn’t have those feelings rush over me. When Liam was born, I was able to hold him for just a few moments before the put him in a box and wheeled him off to NICU. I missed him and I worried about him, but I wasn’t hooked yet. Not in the way that everyone talks about.
Three days after Liam was born, we handed him off for surgery. It was scary and hard to hand him over to a doctor who would be cutting him open, but I realized then that I had kept my distance emotionally in anticipation for this moment. It was possibly the last moment I would ever see Liam alive and I had barely let myself love him the way he needed. The guilt washed over me for what seemed like forever, but less than an hour later Liam was back in his NICU room. The moment I saw MY SON, I finally had the rush of feelings everyone tells you about. He was my son and I loved him and felt connected to him in an unexplainable way finally.
I know now that not everyone experiences the magical, “I am so in love,” moment the instant they see their baby.
So, to the pregnant mamas anxiously and hesitantly awaiting the arrival of their little one, it is okay to feel reluctant. You are not alone.
