One of the things that I have always loved about my mom was that she was there, she was present. She may not always say the right thing or have the correct reaction but she was THERE and cheering for ME! I knew she was in my corner and my kids corners when they each were born. She loved her grandkids hard! She was there for the birth of all 6 and she might not have been in the room but she was there in town probably helping with the ones that were already born. She always stayed during the transition to home for a few weeks as well. As any mom may know, when you go from one child to two it’s an explosion and nuts when you get home.
I remember one night about 17 years ago when she just sat with me at 2:30am while I breastfed my son. She had used formula for me and my sister but she knew how important it was for me to breastfeed and so she watched me and was my company. Then when our family went from 3 to 4 kids and I was so thankful she was there to help. She did whatever was needed- laundry, dishes, or errands. I already know I want to be like her. I want to be THERE!
My mom also worked her whole life and so did both of my grandmothers. My mom has close friends- a few close ones. I believe I am the same. I don’t have big groups that I am able to have dinner with each month. I’m not a member of any women’s clubs- it’s just not my jam. That’s ok- I’m ok being like my mom.
We all knew that when my mom retired from her federal government job that she would be visiting me and my sister a lot. She would be helping care for our kids: singing songs to them, read books with them and probably doing whatever they wanted to do! She would be sneaking “debbie cakes” and taking them on walks! She really was an amazing grandmother! Working for the government, she couldn’t retire until a certain age. No one saw it coming and no one expected we would be in the situation that we are in today.
My mom has a very rare terminal illness and it’s hard to fight.
I am very aware that a lot of my friends and people that I know have lost their mom at a young age. I know I am lucky to have had her here on this earth as long as I have! I believe this is why this has been so hard is that she isn’t gone from her body but she’s not the same at all. I know that some of my language while writing has used the past tense and that is because she’s not the same mom who raised me, she’s not the same mom who changed diapers when my children were born, and she’s not even the same mom who I have talked to on the phone almost everyday since I’ve been a mature adult.
My grandmother passed away a few years ago and she had Alzheimer’s. I feel like sometimes… it feels the same with my mom because she’s here physically but not the same. I know I should be happy that I can still talk to her but I miss how she used to be- I miss WHO she used to be. Due to this rare illness, I feel like I am in a sort of limbo world where I mourn my mom but also have to be attentive to make doctor appointments and fill out paperwork. While also supporting my father, who is the main caretaker.
Seriously, time is a thief!
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