Someone asked a friend of mine (who has 3 kids) which transition was harder, from 1 to 2 or 2 to 3. Her response will stick with me forever. She paused and stated “Hands down, from 0 to 1.” I don’t have multiple children, but her response does make me feel like less of a crazy person! It’s exactly what new moms need, encouragement that they are not alone.
Becoming a mom for the first time is life changing. It’s beautiful, scary, exciting, and terrifying all in one. A woman goes from only worrying about taking care of herself to suddenly being given this tiny human being that she must care for 24/7. It’s a full time job that is given to women with no prior experience and no off days. It changes her day to day life in ways that she never expected. It can create new friendships and old ones may pass away. This time in life is a huge transition.
You may know someone who just had their first child. They are probably absolutely smitten with their newborn and post all the cute baby pictures online, but what most women wont’t tell you is that in between the cute photo sessions come many hours of exhaustion, worry, stress and being overwhelmed. (This isn’t true for all moms, there are some super moms out there that handle it without blinking an eye, and so to those moms I commend you! ) Some moms may be like me and feel like they are constantly fighting back criticism from well meaning friends, family, coworkers, and even strangers and aren’t quite sure how to respond to commentary from all of the people in their lives. They are navigating a very new and different day to day life and it can seem to that new mom that the outside world expects nothing to have changed. This doesn’t mean new moms aren’t happy about their new addition! They are delighted and so thankful for their blessing, but still may be unsure how to respond to many comments made by well meaning friends or family.
Personally, I’ve received lots of veiled criticism in the first few months after having my son, and I honestly don’t think the people giving it had any clue the impact of their words. They simply were talking! However, some things are just harder to talk about when everything in your life has just changed! I feel like I have become much more confident since then and those words from others probably wouldn’t mean as much to me now, but there was a period that every comment mattered. Every statement made by anyone felt overwhelming. As a new mom, I was not confident in any decision I made and I didn’t feel much support from some of the people closest to me. (On a positive note, I DID receive the best support from my husband and my church family. I can’t say enough how important it is to have the body of Christ surrounding you)
I’ve asked around, and I’m not the only person to have this experience. So many moms have been hurt or left to feel all alone during the happiest time of their lives. It has many names, but PPD or not, this period can be overwhelming for many. As friends and family, we can support these new moms and help them feel normal again! Let’s all try to understand the perspective of a new mom and show a little more kindness during what is considered the fourth trimester. (If you’ve never heard of this look it up. It’s very real and unfortunately I had never heard of it until having my son.)
It is a Transition, and Transitions are Hard
I’ve heard way too many new moms say they felt stress, worry and anxiety after having their firstborn and when they voiced their struggle, their openness was met with “encouragement” that being a parent is not hard. Many were told that parenting isn’t hard and that they shouldn’t stress. This is so disheartening. Any person who is voicing that they have a struggle, new mom or not, doesn’t need to be told it’s easy. They need to feel validated and supported. They need to be heard. Just listen. Listen to their thoughts, their struggles, their fears, and anything they are willing to share.
Becoming a mom or a new parent is a transition from life without a child to life with a child. Regardless of anyone’s lifestyle, changes must take place in that household and things happen differently. Being told that her struggle is easy for someone else can make her feel alone on an island. We new moms desperately need to feel supported during such a delicate time in our lives. We have lost sleep, been through countless hours of labor and possibly surgery, our hormones are surging from the pregnancy and birth process, we are usually at home for a period of time recovering, and we don’t have much time to ourselves. Add to all of this the fact that we have never been a parent before and we don’t know what we are doing. I plead with you, please support any mom who tells you they are tired, stressed, anxious, worried, or whatever emotion they may be feeling. You don’t have to say anything impressive or fancy. Chances are just listening is enough. Just BE THERE for her. It will mean more than you could ever know.
Don’t Challenge Parenting Decisions
Even experts can’t agree on most things when it comes to caring for a newborn. The recommendations for best sleep position for an infant has changed with almost every generation. (Don’t believe me? Ask your mom or grandmother what sleep position was “best” during their early mothering years). Some seasoned moms will say swaddle your child, other experts say it’s dangerous. Some advice givers swear by introducing foods as early as possible to expose them to allergens, tastes, flavors, etc., yet some pediatricians don’t recommend anything before 6 months. I could go on but my point is this: There is so much information out there on how to care for our children, and us first time moms are hearing it all FOR THE FIRST TIME while trying to make the best decision for our family. We will make one decision and then constantly question it. (Or maybe that’s just me! ??♀️) Anytime someone questioned my decisions on anything when it came to Jackson, I immediately re-evaluated every decision I had ever made and had a minor panic attack in the process. I’m not saying this is going to be the case for every mom, but there is definitely a way to show kindness to a new mom and offer advice without questioning her decisions. My rule of thumb: Don’t offer advice unless it is asked for. Yes, it’s that simple. Just ask how she is doing and tell her how cute that new baby is. Maybe you could even comment on how beautiful she looks today. Every new mom could use a compliment!
Never Go Against Their Wishes
My first baby was born right smack in the peak of flu season. My biggest rule was do not kiss the baby. I had heard too many stories of newborns contracting serious illnesses from a kiss from a friend or family member. To some people this may seem like a harsh rule for grandparents. Whatever a new parent’s rule is, just respect their wishes. It may seem harsh or unimportant to you, but it is a rule that the new parents have set in place to feel safe during a very fragile time in their new baby’s life.
The truth is we really can’t control when or if our children get sick, especially during those precious early days when they can’t get vaccinated and their immune systems are so new. However, we can have a feeling of control by setting rules. We can do little things to protect our new babies like handwashing and no kissing, and this helps us feel empowered as parents. Just give us room to parent. Don’t criticize it or make snide remarks about it. Simply support us and encourage us to take care of our babies.
Love on Them and Be Present
Some new moms never get visitors while they are recovering. I don’t mean visitors to see the baby, I mean visitors to see the mom. While some friends of mine prefer it that way, it would have been nice to have a few visitors sit and talk with me about something other than how many dirty diapers my son had made that day. Heck, I could use the conversation and friendship even now, and my son is a year old! New moms need adult interaction outside of caring for their new child, especially during the first few weeks. Everyone will of course want some baby snuggles, but that new mom wants to feel important too. Don’t assume they don’t want you around. Reach out to the new mom in your life and ask if she needs anything. If she says no, bring something by anyway. If she doesn’t want you to stay long you’ll be able to tell, but definitely make it a point to be available. You can do this without wearing out your welcome. That mom will need some time to rest too, but she definitely wants the interaction more than she may even realize. She may feel lonely and closed off but you can bridge the gap!
These are are just a few areas that I personally feel like can make the whole fourth trimester so much easier for a new mom. We need kindness, love, support, and so often instead get comments about weight, how we are parenting, when we are going back to work, how could we leave our child in daycare, why would we want to keep them away from other children by staying at home, how we are restricting them by not offering different foods, how we didn’t try hard enough to breastfeed, why we breastfed instead of giving a bottle, the list is endless. These comments are often grounded in advice giving or well meaning, but nonetheless aren’t helpful. Most of the time, the new parent doesn’t have an answer to your question and it may leave them stressed an anxious.
I can say I have never felt so alone as I did in the first few months after having my son, but I feel like so much could have been avoided had someone told my friends and family that these comments and questions were not helpful. I don’t mean to say that all of it could have been avoided. There are so many changes during the newborn period that make it so very hard in very different ways that any mom is going to feel overwhelmed to some extent.
I’m asserting that as a friend or family member of a new mom, we can HELP them instead of adding to the stress. We can do so much more to listen and understand how new moms are feeling and help them through the tough period of new motherhood without asking them a million questions. We can help new moms see the joy in motherhood, because as cute as those little babies are, some new moms have a hard time seeing the joy of the moment.
Let’s give kindness and breed a culture of love and positivity for all moms out there, especially if it’s their first. New moms need a little kindness shown to them, because they are giving all of theirs away to that sweet new baby.
