I want you to picture this moment with me…I am chatting with another mom who I have never laid eyes on and both of our sons are playing at our feet. She looks at me and asks, “How old is your little guy?” I respond excitedly, “He just turned three and I just love this age!” She looks at me with deep empathy and says, “ I know you are so thankful you got out of the twos alive.” I looked back with such joy in my face and exclaimed, “Goodness, no…I am so sad to leave the twos…I would go back and do it all over again in a heartbeat.” This precious woman looks at me like she could throat punch me and says, “ I thank God everyday that I survived my son being two and three and I shake just thinking about that season of life.” She then wiped a tear from her eye and excused herself. Exactly four years later I found myself in her shoes with my second child and wishing I knew how to contact her. I wanted to apologize and desperately wanted to hear her story about her time in the trenches because at that moment I felt like I would never come out.
My first child was a very typical two year old. He had meltdowns, opinions, strong food aversions, potty training mishaps, public fits of fury, and a personality that could go from sweet to sour in an instant. As a first time mom, I was tired and at times overwhelmed and often embarrassed when I didn’t know exactly how to respond. I will come back to my middle child, but let me break away and discuss my current two year old…our only girl who is also the baby. She has also followed the patterns of a very typical two year old. She has become very weepy and whiny and bossy and opinionated about all matters concerning shoes and wardrobe. She is tough and tender at the same time and she is pure joy wrapped up in attitude for days. She certainly packs a punch but I am a different mom today and I have walked a road so rough that on her toughest days I am almost unphased by her efforts to dismantle the moment.
Now to my miraculous middle man. My second child was anything but typical throughout his first few years and remains a force of nature at the old age of four. By the age of two, our guy was still waking several times a night and naps varied day to day. We followed a good schedule and we did all the “right things” in order to promote good sleep. We also struggled with tantrums that were so severe we would have to restrain so that he did not hurt himself or someone else. Potty training was nowhere on our radar because we were too busy trying to make sure he did things like eat something each day. I know that it is very common for a child to have a picky palate at two, but we were not sailing in that boat…our boat looked like begging him to eat and then (at times) writing down what he ate so we could ensure he was getting calories from somewhere. He would hunger strike and refuse liquids. He was also a runner and we found ourselves many times in a high speed chase on foot in public. He was triggered by noise, chaos, crowds, temperature, sickness, and I realize that even as adults we can be triggered by the same. The difference for my guy was his inability to come back from the event and regulate without major assistance. My middle man is one of the most amazing humans I will ever meet. He is equal parts magic and bliss and his life has given me more freedom and truth than I ever thought possible.
I am certainly not a professional and I would never seek to give you a measuring stick of what is typical for your child versus what is not. I simply want to share our experience and a few things that helped us immensely during that season of life.
- Seek Help: There are people who are trained and ready to provide wisdom and services to help you and your child grow and thrive. Speech therapy was a game changer for us in allowing our guy to give words to his frustration, but it was not something we were equipped to tackle alone. We discussed his specific needs at length with his pediatrician, and we were able to come up with a sleep plan that has not totally ended our sleep issues but has gone a long way in helping. We also sought the help of his preschool teacher, as she was on the front line alongside us, and she was able to work with us on a game plan that would help keep him regulated at school and also mirror what we did at home to provide consistency and comfort for his mind. We were also introduced to the beautiful world of compression gear which helps to keep the body calm in tense situations and an all day sense of regulation that he struggles to have otherwise. Ask questions, ask so many questions, and do not stop until you find someone who truly hears you and sees just how incredible and miraculous your child truly is.
- Community: It is so life-giving to find your people and be able to tell your whole truth and not hide your tough. You need a woman in your life who is where you are or has been where you are. I have friends who allow me to lament and cry and get angry and they listen and offer suggestions when they can, but also remind me that truly this too will pass. Community could also look like seeking a counselor for you to talk to as often as necessary. The bottom line is…do not isolate. Give yourself and your little one the chance to be known…you are both worth it.
- Grace upon grace: Forgive yourself for struggling. Forgive your child for struggling. Let yourself off the hook and know that this season of life can be hard AND beautiful and the same goes for you and your little one. You can struggle and have peace in knowing that you were made to be the mama for that exact child and even though you might need outside help and direction…you are still the one called and chosen to be their number one fan. You don’t have to love this season and you don’t have to be the same mom in this season as you will be in the next. Grow with your tiny one and become the next version of yourselves together.
I am so grateful for my time in the two year old trenches and I am such a better mom and friend because of it. Do not let this season define how you see yourself as a mom or how you see the future for your child. You are both a beautiful work in progress and the best is truly yet to come! If you are reading this and you find yourself in the story of my first and third children and you do not have any experience with a not so typical two year old…help those who do. Reach out and make the first move to provide encouragement and support…leave off the advice and add on grace and a willing heart to listen and serve.
Here’s to the littles who set our hearts ablaze and who gift us with more freedom and compassion that we ever knew possible.
