Dear First Baby,
I see you watching me with your little brother when I’m making faces at him or caressing his little head and face. I try not to be so absorbed in him that I forget to make special time for just you and me. This is new for all of us. I’m trying to balance bonding with your brother and making sure I spend time with you.
Your birth and newborn days were difficult. You struggled to nurse and only wanted to sleep in my arms. I was so tired. You were such a sweet little baby, but I was trapped in a fog in my own head. This time it’s completely different for me. I’m so sorry, honey. I didn’t know what it was supposed to be like, and now that I know, my heart aches for what we should have had.
I promise that we did all the same things you see me doing with our new baby. I dressed you and bathed you and changed your diaper. I fed you and snuggled you and stroked your hair while you slept. I read to you and sang lullabies and made up silly songs for you. None of that was different.
I know it’s hard for you to watch your brother use your baby things. He bathes in your baby bath and sits in your high chair. Your crib is in his room now, and I ask you not to touch his teething toys. I know its hard to have to wait for me to help you or play with you because I’m nursing or holding the baby. It probably feels like you’re being replaced, but I promise that you’re not. It’s just that you’ve outgrown your baby things, and your brother needs me a lot right now. Just like you did when you were a baby. But now that you’re a big girl, I rely on you to be able to do things for yourself that Mommy used to do for you.
The only reason I’m able to have a great experience with a newborn is because of you. You made me a mama and taught me everything I know. Taking care of you gave me the confidence that your brother is benefiting from now. It’s not fair, but it’s the truth.
What I want you to know is that you’re still my best girl. You’ll always be my first baby. Even though you’re growing up and learning new skills every day, when I look at you I’ll always see that precious infant who cooed so softly and loved cuddling in the crook of my elbow.
I’m sorry that I’m not the Mommy you had before. Our family is different. I am different. But even though my time and attention are split now, my love for you is not. I love you just as much as I did before and 100 new babies wouldn’t be able to diminish that love. When your brother was born, he did not take some of my love from you; I gained more love so that there was enough for him as well.
I hope you feel how much I love you when we cuddle on the couch to watch movies and I play with your hair. When you sit in my lap and we read books. When I teach you a new worship song and we sing together. When we talk about your day at preschool and hang your art on the fridge. When we bake treats together or I cut your sandwiches into shapes. I love you more than anything in the world, sweet girl. That’s never going to change.
