In life, it seems that we do a lot of waiting. Our parents waited 9 months for us to be born. Waited for us to take our first steps, say our first words. They waited for the first day of kindergarten. As kids we waited for our first sleepovers and first dances. As teenagers, we counted down the days until our first dates, turning sixteen, graduating high school and our first kiss. As young adults, it was waiting to turn 18 or better yet, 21!! It seems everything is just mapped out but you have to wait for the right time. And as an adult that is still true. Waiting on a husband and then waiting on a baby. And just like everything in life you believe in your heart of hearts that as soon as it is your turn, per say, it will happen. But then it just doesn’t. And when it doesn’t happen, just like when you were 16 and failed your driving test when all your friends were driving, the disappointment and heartbreak comes. And that is the best way I can describe a journey with infertility. Waiting. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for your body, waiting for your next period, waiting, waiting, waiting. But that is not the only description of Infertility.
Infertility is pain. Infertility is bitterness. Infertility is depression. Infertility is heartbreak. Infertility is broken dreams. Infertility is fear. The list could go on, but most of all Infertility is isolating. Why is it so isolating? Because no one wants to talk about it. It is painful. Your friends don’t know what to say because they do not want to be insensitive. Your family doesn’t get it because your sister got pregnant, your mom didn’t have issues, and Cousin Judy has 10 kids. You feel like your husband doesn’t get your pain because he is on his own fertility journey and as the over emotional woman you are, you think he just doesn’t get the bitterness, the jealous, the tears, and the immense heartache. And then its the strangers or acquaintances you know that ask the questions or make the remarks like “your time will come” or “if you stop trying it will happen.” And that isolation is simply because of a lack of understanding and emotional support for women dealing with Infertility. And that is why this week, we are celebrating National Infertility Awareness Week. This week is so women like me who have dealt with infertility can help people gain a better understanding of what infertility is and how it affects people.
In the spirit of this week, let me share with you my story. My husband and I were married in 2012 and immediately starting trying for a baby. We were both turning 30 and just didn’t feel like we had a lot of time to waste. 2 years, thousands of dollars in ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, natural remedies, vitamins, books on how to get pregnant and lots of tears later, I wasn’t pregnant. I never wanted to go to the doctor about it. I didn’t want to feel broken. Better yet, I didn’t want someone to tell me I was broken. But reluctantly, I tucked my tail between my legs and went. A blood test later, it was determined that I did not ovulate. The doctor wrote me a prescription for Clomid and our journey continued. 1st round of drugs, no baby. 2nd round of drugs, no baby. Then the third round came and the last my doctor would let me do before being referred to a fertility specialist and we got pregnant with our sweet Lily. After she was born, we weren’t preventing getting pregnant, but we weren’t trying either because in our minds we couldn’t get pregnant. A week before Lily’s first birthday, I found out I was pregnant and then the day before her birthday, I suffered my first miscarriage. It wasn’t overly painful, emotional or physically. I was so wrapped up in Lily’s birthday and all that comes with that, that I just pushed it aside. We continued not trying, not preventing
and 7 months later found out I was pregnant again and on Halloween, I suffered my second miscarriage. This time, it was emotionally painful. I was devastated. I was broken. I was defeated. And off I went, tail between my legs, back to the doctor. But this time it was different. I was diagnosed with secondary infertility and referred to a specialist. After about 15 vials of blood and a week later, I was diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder that was causing my miscarriages. If I was to get pregnant again, I would have to take a blood thinning medication my entire pregnancy. We were sent on our way to make a baby. 3 months went by, 6 months went by, 9 months went by with no baby. Through a lot of prayer and discussion my husband and I came to the conclusion that we were enough. Lily was enough and that our family was complete. So I set off on a journey to better health and being the best me and lost 80 lbs. I concentrated on being present in the things my infertility journey had taken me away from but most importantly being a present parent. On our anniversary trip, I started feeling sick and after we came home and counting days on the calendar, it took me a week to get up the nerve to buy a pregnancy test and 3 days to take it. It is a moment I will never forget. The test was positive. The next week at 6 weeks pregnant, I saw my my miracle on the ultrasound and 2 weeks later heard the most amazing heartbeat. 8 and a half months later, I was holding my real life gift from God, John Luke.
My story is the reason I try my best to help others going through infertility. Whether they are a friend, a family member or the couple struggling to get pregnant. Last week, I polled several of my friends, family, and Instagram followers to see what questions they had about infertility or what things about it they did not understand. I want to share those questions with you now and my thoughts.
The most popular question when it comes to anything infertility and that several friends asked is “How can I be a friend to someone who is going through it?” Believe me, every women who goes through infertility knows they are bitter, emotional and often angry. I was lucky enough to have 2 close girlfriends going through the same thing and if you could have heard some of our conversations you would probably think very poorly of us. We were just a bunch of Bitter Bettys and Negative Nancys. All you need to do to be a friend to someone who is dealing with infertility is be a good listener. Ask them how they are, how they are feeling, how the process is going and just let them vent. Let them complain, let them cry, let them be bitter. Also, don’t share suggestions or opinions. Especially if you did not deal with infertility. Be empathic and sympathic. Just listen and your friend will appreciate you more than you know. Ask them for coffee, ice cream or out to lunch. Anything you can do to make them feel less isolated will be a blessing.
The second most asked question: “Is infertility hereditary?” That is a toss up. There are medical conditions that are hereditary that can cause infertility. But infertility is not hereditary itself. Infertility can be caused by a multitude of things and there can be no explanation at all, doctors refer to that as Unexplained Infertility. You can also have one healthy child that was conceived with no issues and have to use fertility treatments to achieve a second child, doctors refer to that as Secondary Infertility. Infertility does not discriminate.
The last topic that was brought up repeatedly was about the emotional impact that infertility has on a woman, a couple, or a family. “Why is infertility all consuming?” “Why does infertility bring out the worst in people?” “Are women who deal with infertility truly angry at other women for being able to conceive?” Well I will be honest. When I could not get pregnant, the idea of having a family, getting pregnant and the longing for a child took over my entire life. There are so many what ifs, so many questions that you are constantly thinking about it. For example, when a doctor tells you you have a sinus infection or strep throat you get a diagnosis and a treatment plan and your symptoms slowly disappear and you are once again healthy. But with infertility you get a diagnosis, a treatment plan but a baby is not alway guaranteed. The end result is unknown. Granted a significant amount of fertility treatments are successful but not 100%. I think it brought out the worst in me because I was angry at myself. I am a problem solver and I could not fix this. You literally have zero control over the process. Even if you do everything by the book the outcome is not in your hands. Most women who suffer from infertility are angry and bitter. But we are genuinely happy for our friends and family who get pregnant we are just sad for ourselves. Sad it isn’t us. We feel like we are sitting in the audience watching a show or a game that we are not qualified or invited to play in. It’s major FOMO. Do we go to every baby shower we are invited to? No. It’s just hard. There is no other answer. It is just hard. I used to look at my husband after seeing a pregnancy announcement on Facebook and saw “Really, she gets a baby?!”. It is the ultimate mirage, the minute you get close it disappears! But your journey doesn’t end when you conceive. The worry of losing a pregnancy after a miscarriage is all consuming. Until you hold that baby you don’t take a deep breath and then finally when the doctor places that baby on your chest you can feel your shoulders finally relax for the first time in years!!
If you are reading this and you are on your infertility journey, I want you to know that when you see that woman in Target or in a restaurant holding her newborn that there is a good chance that she also had infertility issues. And I promise you that you are not alone. We see you, we feel your pain and we hear your cries. We know what it is like to sit on the bathroom floor in the fetal position and cry after a failed pregnancy test. And if you are reading this and have a friend on her infertility journey, call her and ask her how she is. And listen. Let her complain, let her be bitter and let her cry. Don’t be afraid. I remember after my second miscarriage, I was at a gym class with my daughter and a friend came up to me and told me I looked beautiful, gave me a hug and stood next to for a few minutes and it made me feel so good. Its hard to explain how I felt but it was just what I needed in that moment. The best thing any of us can do on a week like this is to break down the walls that surround the topic of infertility. It is not something to be ashamed of because even though some women are struggling to have children they are still ENOUGH! So I challenge you to reach out to someone who is struggling with infertility or has in the past. Because it doesn’t just take a village to raise a child, sometimes it takes a village to conceive a child.
