When comparison robs you of your joy…

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt

You have probably heard this quote before, seen a cute meme about it on social media, or said it yourself to a friend.  As moms, we constantly compare our lives, our kids, our romantic relationships, and everything else to other moms’ lives, kids, and romantic relationships.

How many times have you scrolled through Facebook or Instagram and thought, “I wish I could look that good after having a baby!” or “She makes it look so easy!” or “Her house is perfect, her kids look adorable, her husband is so amazing!” or “I am totally screwing my kids up by feeding them fast food from McDonald’s instead of preparing homemade meals.” — GUILTY.  Sometimes I am fully aware that I am comparing myself to someone else. Sometimes I don’t realize it at all.  Social media makes it so much worse, too.  Thirty years ago, our moms might have compared themselves to one another while dropping us off for school, Jazzercise, at the playground, PTO meetings, or even at work.  I mean, Teddy Roosevelt (who died 100 years ago!) was talking about comparing yourself to others—it is nothing new.  But the constant barrage of images we see daily of women we know who appear to have it all together have turned comparison into a whole new ball game.   

A while back, I read somewhere that comparison doesn’t have to be the thief of joy if you can use it in a positive way.  For example, if I compare myself to my friend Jane who runs at least 5 miles every day and think I am a failure because I haven’t exercised in …. who knows how many days/months…that is robbing me of joy.  But if I compare myself to Jane and question what I can do to organize my life to allow for time to run (or jog…or, let’s be serious, walk…) a little each week, my comparison to Jane has created a positive effect.  Sometimes comparison gives me ideas for things to do with my son, like a fun art project I saw a friend post that she did with her daughter.  Rather than the negative thought of “Wow, she is such a cool, creative mom who does fun crafts with her kid, why can’t I be like that?”  I thought, “Wow!  That is a really cute idea!  I need to make sure I grab an empty toilet paper roll to make this cute Thanksgiving turkey craft—my kid will really enjoy this.”  Consider this:  are your comparisons even “real” comparisons?  For instance, if you are comparing your house (you know, the one where real people live, dogs come in from the rain and track mud, and kids draw on your furniture with markers) to the #SouthernLiving houses on Pinterest (you know, the ones that were just built, that professionals decorated and styled, the one that, if it actually gets lived in, will end up looking like yours), that is not a real comparison.  

But what do you do when comparison threatens to rob you of your joy and starts bringing you down?  First, remember that we are all human.  We are putting our best selves on social media—I know very few people that actually post the good, the bad, and the ugly.  As a divorce lawyer, I know far too well that what people portray on social media (and sometimes in person!) and what is really going on are often two totally different things.  Second, think of three things that make you feel good.  Maybe you are a new mom who is low on sleep and high on hormonal shifts and getting a shower and going out to lunch with your little one was a huge victory.  Maybe you got a promotion at work.  Maybe you just got divorced a few months ago and today you didn’t cry for the first time.  Taking quick stock of just a few positive things in your life is an easy way to reset. Third, consider a social media break.  I have a friend who goes offline for twenty-one days at the beginning of each year to refocus.  Another friend recently told me she deleted her Facebook app from her phone and found she had become much more productive, as she was mindlessly scrolling every day and losing time.  Finally, think before you post.  Is what you post truthful? Is it helpful?  Is it authentic?  And if you choose to share the good, consider sharing the bad (within reason) every once in a while…what I appreciate so much from my mom-friends is their authenticity to share that their kid didn’t sleep in his/her bed last night and crawled in bed with mom too, that they forgot to pack a lunch and had to stop at the grocery store to grab a Lunchable on the way to school, that they use dry shampoo more often than they wash their hair, and that even the most “together” moms still have lousy days where their kid tells them they are the “worst mom ever.”  Because when it comes down to it, we are all doing the very best we can…and if you are doing that, you are doing more than enough, mama!