In my experience, anytime there is a big life event, people around us take it as their hand-lettered, gold-foiled invitation to submit their opinion. This includes anyone and everyone – people who actually know you and those that definitely don’t.
Newly engaged? The department store cashier thinks your registry is too long and too tacky; that Facebook “friend” you haven’t spoken to offline in 5 years wants you to know that planning a wedding is the actual worst so get ready; and well(ish) meaning relatives want to know when you’re going to start popping out kids. And let’s be honest, that seems like an unfair question since you’ve never asked them about their bedroom habits or reproductive status.
When you’re pregnant – it’s the same and worse. That growing belly becomes a beacon for other women to share their pregnancy and birth horror stories, pour their pity on you, or just be super weird. And with all that weird comes a healthy helping of opinions disguised as advice.
One of the best things about getting older is that I have learned how to sift the advice to discern what is opinion and what is wisdom. Here are a few nuggets of truth that I received, revisit, and even cautiously passed some on – but only when asked.
- “Don’t try to argue with your kids.” A random neighbor gave me this tidbit one day when I was schlepping two toddlers, a wagon, and a few assorted toys around the block. I thought it was weird in the moment, but a few hours later around the dinner table when someone was insisting that their blue cup was yellow and that today was my birthday (it’s not and it wasn’t) – instead of wasting my breath trying to explain the concept of colors or how to read a calendar, I just said, “Today is not my birthday, but you can say it is.” This is not to say that kids are always right, it’s just a reminder to pick your battles, and ‘what color is the cup’, is never a battle that’s worth my limited energy.
- “I like my kids a lot more now.” We are inundated with the “It-goes-by-so- fast-enjoy-every-minute!” people. And yes, they’re right – it does go by fast. But that isn’t useful advice for someone who hasn’t slept more than 30 minutes at a time in at least 4 days or can’t remember how to operate a microwave (true story). Another mom at our church looked in my very tired eyes and could see that what I really needed to hear was this, “Babies are great. But my kids are 6 and 9, and I like them a lot more now – they’re so funny and actually fun to be around.” A reminder that it won’t always be like this – I needed to know that there was something beyond the next sleep regression from someone I trusted.
- “You find the room.” When I was pregnant with my second child, I visited an older work friend. As a mother of two adult daughters, she shared some of the sweetest and most genuine advice I have ever been given – “I just wasn’t sure how I was going to love my second child as much as I did my first, but as soon as she was born – my heart just expanded. You find the room to love them both.” And of course, she was right.
- “A different kind of hard.” I’ve had other friends ask me if it gets easier and I feel confidant in my answer – it’s just a different kind of hard. I’m 92.5% sure I came up with this, but I have been up to my knee pits in ankle biters for the last 5 years, so my reliability in this arena may be iffy. Yes, some things get easier but anything that gets easier is replaced with a different thing that gets harder. I work with college kids and I have yet to see one who stashes a paci in their pocket. And whether they were formula fed or co-slept has yet to come up in any conversation. So I know that some of the battles we are fighting may be drawn out and hard fought – but they will eventually end. To be replaced by different ones, of course.
So not that you asked for it but, that’s my advice.
