As an extremely new mom, I struggled majorly with finding time for myself without having guilt attached. Mom guilt is real people, and I never understood it until I became one. I remember when my little one was only a few months old. My sister in law came over. She walked in, took Charleigh and said, “Here is $50. Now go get your nails done. We will be fine.” I had just gone back to work after 10 weeks of maternity leave and my husband had left for a month of military training. Emotions and hormones were still running high and everything in me did not want to leave that apartment I had been cooped up in for the past 72 days. Yes, I was counting. Which was probably a clear sign that I needed to get out, and by talking to me, my sister-in-law and mom of two, knew it.
The feeling I felt as I drove the ten minutes to the nail salon was like nothing I had ever felt. It was like the angel and devil scenario except they were both devils putting me under their fiery wrath. On one shoulder the devil was talking, “I can’t believe you just left her. She is still so little and dependent on you. How could you?” Then on the other shoulder another devil was taunting me too saying, “You should not feel such a relief right now. What is wrong with you?”
Yeah, this is 100% what mom guilt feels like. If you have never experienced it, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.
After that day, and all of those internal battles I dealt with, I was determined to get rid of those evil talking devils. They would not win. They would not make me feel bad for wanting to take care of myself.
I was sharing all of this with a seasoned mom friend, that I look up to and respect very much, and she said to me, “How can you expect to fill the cups of those who count on you if you don’t even know where your cup is?” At first that did not make sense to me. Cups? Why are we talking about cups when I am over here about to have a mom guilt breakdown? She laughed at the confusion, that I guess was very clear on my face, and went on to explain. She put it into terms that I could understand. Basically, she was trying to tell me that it is crucial, not optional, to take care of myself if I want to be able to provide the support that those who count on me need.
From that day forward, I made it my mission to find ways to make time for myself. I wanted to be the best wife, mama, daughter, friend and employee that I could be. I started small. You know, realistic expectations are important. No reason to set myself up for failure. So, I started with committing to doing my daily devotion. I highly recommend Mom Set Free by Jeannie Cunnion. It focuses on removing the pressure to be perfect.
I did not set a certain time I would do it. I just committed to doing it daily, but also told myself that I would not be upset if I missed a day or two because…life. Even if it was just 10 minutes and I did not get through the whole reading. Start small, but just start.
Once I got the hang of that and had created the habit, I started adding other things into my life that were for me. I started working out again. I did other devotions. I started having lunch or coffee dates with girlfriends.These things eventually just became part of my life. Taking time for me became just like waking up in the morning and getting out of bed. It was just normal.
What I started to notice was a change in my mood, my attitude, my perspective on things, my stress level decreased. My confidence as a mom went up. My husband noticed a much happier wife. These were all such positive benefits. I was able to serve those around me fully because I was fulfilled myself.
My suggestion—no my tough love advice—would be to make time for yourself, no matter what. You are the pillar of your life and those around you. You cannot provide for others if you are not providing for yourself. Don’t you dare feel guilty for it! Your mental health comes first. Do not let society or anyone else tell you otherwise. Whatever ME time looks like for you, take it! Do it! Make it happen! Remember to start small though and set realistic expectations. Creating a new habit will not happen overnight.
Here are some ways to start making time for yourself:
- Learn that it is okay to say no to things that are not going to bring you fulfillment.
- Make it a flexible, yet non-negotiable part of your schedule.
- Get creative.
- Find things you enjoy doing.
- Show yourself grace, not guilt.
- Get rid of things in your day that are not necessary.
- Start small.
- Delegate tasks to other family members or friends. You don’t have to do it all.
What is funny about the timing of this post, is that as I write it, I am holding my sister-in-law’s 3 week old little baby. The same sister-in-law who shoved me out the door to get my nails done. She has already asked me 5-6 times if I am okay. “Do you need me to get her?” “Do you care if I eat real quick?” “Are you okay?” I just smile and say that we are fine. It is funny how this has come full circle. Mom guilt is real, but together, as a tribe, we can figure out a way to combat it.
