In my last post, I mentioned some questions you might want to ask your obstetrician or midwife, to see if they are a good fit for you. It’s very common to start your pregnancy with the same provider that you’ve been seeing since you were old enough to need reproductive care. And sometimes, that person has been a great fit for you up until now, helping you navigate the ins and outs of life with a uterus and ovaries. Or maybe there’s this one midwife or OB that a friend of yours just RAVES about. But just because a provider has been a good fit pre-pregnancy or is your BFF’s BFF, that doesn’t always mean they are what you need for pregnancy and birth.
So what happens if you start asking your provider some pertinent questions and you see red flags? Or what if they simply aren’t a good match for you? Well, you really have two options: You can find a new provider, or you can stay with the one you have. Let’s talk about both options.
Finding a New Provider:
Many moms are scared of this option, even if they suspect it’s their best chance to have their birth preferences supported. Pregnancy is a time when we tend to tie our anchors tighter, rather than striking out in new directions. We want the comfort of the familiar. We want security.
Sometimes people are also afraid of hurting their provider’s feelings if they leave. This is something that is deeply socialized into women in particular. The fact is, though, that most providers have many patients, and those patients come and go. Another question to ask yourself is, do your provider’s feelings matter more than your birth?
Many times, there is a concern that it’s “too late” to switch providers. Sometimes in late pregnancy it can be challenging to find a new provider to take you on, but it’s not as hard as you might think. Many people transfer care right at the end of their pregnancies if they feel they need to.
Of course, if you do decide to switch providers, you will want to find one who’s a better match for you, otherwise, what’s the point? One of the best ways to learn more about the providers in your area is to tap into the resources in your local birth community. Who teaches a childbirth class, works as a doula, or supports breastfeeding moms? These people often have a good idea about the practices of the OBGYNs and midwives in your area.
Staying with a Mismatch:
Sometimes, after exploring all options, staying with your current provider does seem like the best choice. The most important thing to remember in this situation is that it is a choice you are making. You have chosen this doctor or midwife, and you are choosing all the things that come along with that.
Often, this means accepting that you may have to compromise some of your wishes. That doesn’t mean that you give up your autonomy, but it isn’t really reasonable to expect your provider to change the way they normally practice just for you. You may be able to get them to bend for you, but it’s unlikely they will make drastic changes. Picking your battles becomes very important. Look at your preferences; which are really important to you and which are you willing to let go of? This helps you to save your energy to advocate for the things that are most significant for you.
It’s important when you’re trying to get your provider to make some exceptions for you to keep your interactions as friendly as possible. If things shift into a more hostile pattern, it can be much more difficult to get their cooperation, so do all you can to maintain amicable interactions.
Creating a birth plan and discussing it with your provider can help to open conversations about the way you’d like to do things. Those talks can help you know ahead of time what your provider is and isn’t comfortable with, so you will know in what areas you may need to be ready to strongly advocate for yourself or to compromise.
Hiring a doula can also help you achieve your birthing goals. A good doula can help you strategize and prepare to advocate effectively for yourself. They often know the ins and outs of the system in which they work and can help you to navigate it. (However, it’s important to understand that even the best doula can’t cancel out the consequences of choosing a particular provider and birth place.)
It makes a big difference if you go into your birth with a firm grasp on your rights as a birthing person. Know that legally and ethically, you are in charge and should be given the opportunity to make informed decisions about everything that happens to you during your birth unless a true emergency occurs. Along with that knowledge, it makes a difference if you can avoid asking permission, giving your authority away by asking things like, “Is it ok if I…?” “Am I allowed to…?” or “Will you let me…?” Those kinds of questions signal to you and the staff that they are the ones in charge.
In the end, it’s important to understand that your choice of provider and birth place have the biggest influence on how things will go in your birth. It’s important to make the choice consciously, carefully weighing the pros and cons.
