Doubling the Love: The True Story of Bringing Home a Second Baby

Babies: Gifts from God. Snuggly bundles of joy. Exhausting. 

Toddlers: Energizer Bunnies. Talkative. Smart. Explorers. Temper Tantrum Professionals.

Put the two together and you have an interesting mix of love, laughter, tears and major mom guilt!!! What am I referring too? Life with a newborn and a toddler, more importantly the journey of expanding your family from one child to two. Like most couples, my husband and I were overjoyed with having our first child. We always knew we wanted kids and after our first, we thought we were pretty good at it. We tried for years, suffered two miscarriages, and finally got pregnant with our second child. Our 3 year old was just as excited as we were, and we started preparing to bring home baby brother. Although the nursery was finished, diapers stocked and baby clothes washed with extra care, neither my mind nor heart were prepared for what was going to happen when we became a family of four!  I wish I had read more on the transition, talked to friends, and really discussed the change with my husband.  Hindsight being 20/20, here are some things I wish I would have known that I now feel would have made this journey easier on my heart:

1: Someone is always missing out. Or so it feels that way. While you are at home living the newborn life: constant feedings, diaper changes, and sleepless nights your older child’s world is still turning. I had to rely on my husband to get my daughter to school, take her to play dates, ballet class, and entertain her. Which meant I wasn’t there. Seeing as we had a baby during flu season, we weren’t able to go out and enjoy the things we used too. Sometimes my toddler missed her scheduled activities because we just didn’t make it. Hobbies and time to ourselves didn’t happen for my husband and I either. It felt and still feels like everyone has had to make sacrifices, even the new baby who has taken countless car naps, missed feedings, and had to beat the constant chaos that is our life.

2: The newborn exhaustion is a whole other level this time! Remember with your first everyone told you the key to newborn life was to always sleep when the baby would sleep? Well that has been a definite no-go. There is more to do. More laundry. More dishes. All on top of entertaining and caring for your older child. Just the simple task of making my toddler lunch was a challenge. I caught my self dozing off while reading my child a story. And most nights I have been in bed before 8 pm just to squeeze in as much sleep as possible! There isn’t enough coffee in the world, enough hours at preschool, or enough deep breaths left to get me to feel rested.  And it is not just the physical exhaustion, the mental exhaustion is unforgiving.  My mind is constantly going.  What’s next, what does it take for us to get out the door, do we have bottles made, did I make his 2 month well visit.  It seems very unrelenting.  I found myself turning off the TV and just listening to the hum of the dryer to just have a moment to collect my thoughts!

3: Two kids means double the mom guilt. When my first was a baby, I felt guilty for going for a manicure or to get my hair done. Let’s be honest I felt guilty for doing anything that pulled me away from her. Now the mom guilt is because I can’t play with my oldest as much as I did, its not getting to fix her her favorite lunch, not getting to do Elsa braids like she wants for school, and listening to your baby cry for 5 minutes while you hold the hand of a child who is struggling to go poop on the potty. The mom guilt is constant. And heartbreaking.

4: Even if you hate to ask for help, you will have to. Whether it is for someone to bring dinner, pick up your child from school, clean your house, or fold a load of laundry, the help will be appreciated. I didn’t realize how fast things could get out of control. I didn’t realize how much my toddler was going to suffer.  I didn’t realize how mentally exhausted I was going to be. I did realize I would need help.  Even if it was just venting to a girlfriend via text message.  I remember telling my husband, I really don’t want to ask your Mom to come over one more time and him dreading to ask her as well.  But everyone around us knew it was hard.  And every Mom of 2 or 3 or 4 I have mentioned my struggles to has agreed.  Nothing is better than help because the reality of it all is going from one child to two is like going from one child to twenty.  And if you have more than 2, I will mail you a brownie button or a bottle of wine because you deserve it!

5: Your marriage will take a definite back seat! We are date night people, once a week, once every two weeks at a minimum. So to say we were truly unprepared for our marriage to be pushed aside is the understatement of the year. Some days I don’t think we even spoke three words to each other. Some days I don’t even remember seeing him or touching him. There were no hugs, no goodbye or hello kisses, it was like we were just strangers passing by each other on the way to do another feeding, or wipe a bottom, or wash a bottle. Exhaustion brings out short tempers and who in the house do you take it out on? The only other person in the house over the age of 4! But gosh, I sure do miss him.  Our after bedtime chats, random conversations throughout the day and those wonderful date nights!!

6: Your new child will not just fall into your families schedule. I fully expected our sweet boy just to fall into our lives. Newborns love to sleep in a car seat right? Why yes they do, for about a week!  You never realize how much you are actually in the car taking your toddler places until you have a screaming car seat-hating newborn riding along with you! The wrath of an overtired, hungry infant quickly reminded me that he was not just going to be on board with our crazy lives! It has proven to be a tremendously easier to adjust my schedule and my toddler’s schedule around feedings and naps.  And it is certainly quieter!

The six things are the reasons welcoming our baby boy was bittersweet. I remember crying in my last days of pregnancy almost mourning that our little family of 3 was no more and all of the changes in those early weeks just solidified my emotions. We had just begun to feel like we had parenting under control when I found out I was pregnant!  As these first 3 months with our baby come to a close, I can admit that I was a front row passenger on the struggle bus. Anxiety got the best of me , but still something has been different. I look at him with pure admiration and joy. I look at my oldest and think – see girl, I told you we could do anything as long as we did it together. And I remind myself daily, I was made for this and in my heart I truly believe my love for my children DOUBLED!